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Memory is a real jerk.

When someone talks, it’s common courtesy to at least pretend to listen, but no matter how hard I try to chatter away, it completely ignores me.

It’s like, whenever I attempt to recall a fun drama or movie I used to enjoy, or even a song I heard while passing by, it’s hidden away in some unknown corner where I can’t reach it, but it has no problem dragging up those embarrassing memories or painful experiences that I never asked for and shoving them in my face!

And guess what? It’s still doing it right now.

The pulse echoing through my left arm, the coarse air unique to Heogye, and even the rusty smells mixed in the air.

Maybe those things sparked its interest.

Suddenly, memories from the past came flooding back.

It was a memory from the tree.

People dangling from tree trunks like cuts of meat hanging in a butcher shop, and those empty, hollow gazes they threw my way.

The sights from that day superimposed themselves around me as if I had time-traveled.

“Uughh…!”

I gagged without even realizing it.

It was genuinely nauseating.

Even though it was just a twisted hallucination, I couldn’t stop the wave of sickness from washing over me.

“D-Dogun?”

The kid who seemed perfectly fine just a moment before suddenly started retching like that—something had clearly gone tremendously wrong.

A voice, thick with panic, pushed through my ears.

It was my Senior’s voice.

“Are you, are you okay?”

Did she think about rushing over to help?

I reached out a hand to stop her from approaching, as I didn’t want to look pitiful in front of her.

After all, this wasn’t something a simple act of help could resolve.

I had spent months consulting a well-known psychiatrist recommended by Chae-rim to get rid of this damned condition, expecting never to go through this again after believing I had conquered it.

Yet here I was, experiencing it all over again!

On a scorching summer day, everything shimmered like heat waves over the asphalt road.

That’s why I kept trying to breathe only through my nose, repeatedly closing and opening my eyes.

If there had been any helpful medication around, I would have definitely turned to it, but all the medications I had received during my therapy, I confidently tossed aside, sure I no longer needed them.

So the only thing left to rely on was my breathing techniques.

Fortunately, perhaps my conscious effort to control my breathing began to pay off.

The chaotic sensations provoking my anxiety gradually started to regain their original forms.

I was finally able to straighten up from my hunched position and restore my upper body back to its rightful place after about five more minutes passed.

Even if I collected every drop of sweat I spilled, it wouldn’t fill even half a cup.

When I finally got my act together, I realized my back was drenched in sweat.

Not just my back, but my face was too.

I could distinctly feel the beads of sweat trickling down my face.

“Huff…!”

I exhaled loudly and brushed the sweat-soaked hair from my forehead.

Maybe I looked so pathetic, drenched in sweat for just a brief moment, that it tugged at her heartstrings.

“Are you feeling a bit better now…?”

As if interpreting my posture as a sign that it was okay to approach, my Senior stepped a little closer, her eyes laced with concern as she asked that.

Seeing her worried expression didn’t sit well with me.

It felt like I’d added unnecessary burden to someone already burdened with worries.

“I’m sorry. Did I surprise you by suddenly acting like that…?”

With my eyes cast down, I muttered this to her, and she fervently shook her head in response.

“It’s not that I was surprised; I was just worried… So, what was that all about earlier…?”

Considering she had seen something, she couldn’t hold back from asking, but once the question was thrown out, it seemed like she felt something troubling lurking beneath the surface.

Her voice was very careful.

So, in the end, I had no choice but to open my mouth.

“Uh… I just suddenly recalled some bad memories, that’s all.”

“Ah…”

“I’m really okay now, so you don’t have to worry.”

Perhaps from my response, she felt a sense of familiarity.

The worry that filled her face turned rigid.

“Dogun, that… that wasn’t your first time, was it?”

Then, staring straight at my face as if trying to delve into my hidden thoughts, she spoke.

“…It’s okay now.”

“Is it really okay…? You just sweated cold sweat like that a moment ago!”

After all that, where did I find a reason to say I was fine?

Her tone implied that it seemed impossible to be okay.

Hearing her say that, a wry smile escaped my lips without me even realizing it.

And honestly, how could I not empathize with that?

I had presented a perfectly awful sight and still insisted, “I’m okay now.”

How many people in the world would actually accept that as truth?

I personally wouldn’t have believed her if she acted like that.

Was that why?

“When did this start? Have you been to therapy?”

A barrage of questions began to rain down on me.

“…Yeah, I did. I took medication for a few months, too.”

“Medication…?”

Her eyes widened in disbelief, as if she didn’t expect that.

“You… you actually took meds…?”

A shaky voice followed.

“I only took them for maintenance. After all, Heogye isn’t exactly friendly to people.”

“…Who else knows besides your sister? Dogun, about this.”

“Probably no one else.”

For certain, I could clearly state that since I hadn’t shared anything with my Senior, Yoonseo, or anyone else, fearing they’d worry even more.

If possible, I would have kept it a secret from Chae-rim too.

I didn’t manage to do that because she caught on to the severity of my condition faster than I did.

Anyway, I usually conducted my therapy sessions when my Senior or Yoonseo were out of the room.

After leaving the hospital, I had created alibis with my sister’s help.

Who would’ve thought that I would end up getting exposed like this because of the effort I put into hiding my condition?

I felt awful for giving her more to worry about than necessary.

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【Baeksulhwa’s Perspective】

Why… didn’t I realize it?

Why… didn’t I notice it?

When I think about it, it’s incredibly obvious.

I wasn’t just dropped into a place crawling with monsters that devour humans; I had my arm hurt in the process, too.

If that didn’t have some impact on my psyche, that would actually be strange.

Yet, even when faced with that apparent fact, I failed to think about it back then… because I didn’t want to believe it.

No, perhaps it was because I desperately wanted to believe it.

I didn’t want to shatter the belief that “Dogun is okay,” so I unconsciously turned my gaze away from that truth.

At that moment, a sudden realization pierced my mind, and something rose up from deep within my heart.

It was what people commonly call jealousy.

The image of Dogun hunched over, sweating cold beads, naturally came to my mind.

And from just seeing that, I could grasp what the space called Heogye meant to the individual named Lee Dogun.

What it signified.

To Dogun, Heogye?

It must be a place he would never want to return to.

That much I was sure of, because otherwise, there wouldn’t be any reason for him to sweat like that.

Yet, Dogun choose to venture into Heogye willingly.

The fact that Yoonseo was there served as his reason.

Since the very fact lay before me, I found myself continually asking questions.

Even if it had been me on the Expedition Team instead of Yoonseo, would Dogun still make the same choice he’s making now?

…He probably would.

If it were Dogun, he definitely would.

Even when I convinced myself with that, the questions kept circling around in my mind.

I despised those thoughts.

And so… I shut my eyes tightly.

I clenched my lips hard.

I hated that even in this situation, I obsessed over such matters.

With a shuddering body.

 

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