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…Love?

Me, having feelings for Vivian?

Suddenly, I found myself reflecting on the time I spent with her.

From the moment we first met, it was nothing but intense hatred, leading to fights and wounds, and even her behavior from a few days ago.

She always managed to get under my skin.

There was always an underlying disgust between us.

“…”

…But I knew. The moment I first laid eyes on her, something inside me had stirred.

And the more I got to know her, the stronger that feeling became.

But could I really call that feeling love?

Especially on days like today when I couldn’t even stand the sight of Vivian.

Even the confusing emotions I felt before hitting puberty had yet to be named until now.

After a long pause, I clenched my jaw and shook my head.

“…Shut up. What do you know? Love, my ass…”

Even as I spat out those harsh words, I could tell my confidence was lacking.

And like my wavering voice, my heart was just as tangled.

“If she wasn’t a woman… Vivian would be getting my fists right now, you know?”

Did she realize how much I restrained my impulses every time I looked at her?

Her stubbornness, that annoying tone, and all the ways she rubbed me the wrong way flooded my mind all at once.

With each thought, I had to hold back the urge to punch her. Only the remnants of the chivalry my father taught me kept my sanity intact.

However… amidst all those annoying traits, there were occasional hints of her undeniable sincerity.

The warmth mingling with her words, the surprisingly warm gaze she occasionally displayed, and sometimes… the subtle smiles we shared.

Each time, I had to suppress another urge.

“…”

No, I had to stop thinking.

I bit my lip and forcibly turned my head away.

My heart began to race to the point where it felt like it might burst, and the pressure was becoming unbearable.

Anger surged within me.

I couldn’t comprehend why I had to feel this conflicted.

The maid spoke.

“There’s no need to deny your feelings in such a coarse manner.”

As the maid pressed me to stop, my patience began to wear thin.

I pushed down the rising anger one more time.

“Get lost before I beat you to a pulp. Stop testing my patience…”

Though that was how I spoke, once again, I knew my anger didn’t carry the weight of sincerity.

Instead, it was merely a shield to hide the chaos churning inside me.

Finally, the maid stopped her incessant chatter.

Instead, she merely showed me the small note she had in her hand.

“…”

I couldn’t bring myself to take the note nor ignore it, caught in hesitation.

I knew I had to check what it said.

But the tumultuous feelings swirling in me, the foolishness of not yet finding a reason to protect Vivian, the emptiness of receiving nothing in return from her, and a bit of pride held me back from taking that note.

“…Should I really take it back?”

Worry and hesitation mixed in the maid’s voice.

As I continued to remain silent in decision, she continued.

“…If you decide to give up on Lady Vivian, and if you find this troubling… I will certainly relay that to my master. You won’t be hearing from us again.”

“Is this a threat?”

“No, it isn’t. It’s just… approaching you carries substantial risk for us, Lord Kyle…”

I let out a deep sigh and turned to face forward.

I wondered how far my mother’s petals had drifted downstream; now they were out of sight.

“…Leave it.”

I finally said to the maid.

She approached me, left the note, bowed her head, and turned to leave.

Just before she departed, I couldn’t hold back another troubling question that had been swirling in my mind.

“…Our mother.”

The maid turned to me.

“…Is she really gone?”

“…”

After a moment of silence, the maid nodded.

“Yes.”

No matter how much I asked for confirmation, it felt unreal. With a dazed expression, I followed up.

“…What do we do now?”

The maid shook her head.

“…I’m looking into it. I’ll let you know as soon as I find anything.”

I closed my eyes and scratched my ear, pushing back the emotion rising inside me, and nodded.

The maid left, and once again, I was alone.

“…”

Left to my own devices, I could no longer resist the pull of the note.

I picked up the small piece of paper and opened it.

‘Someone is hunting down an assassin. Be cautious.’

“…Haa.”

I crumpled the note and tossed it into the river.

Like the petals for my mother, the note floated away downstream.

I muttered.

“…What a hassle.”

****

I heard there was a commotion at the castle gates and headed there.

I was wearing my two-handed sword on my back.

Duran, who informed me of the situation, looked puzzled at my gear.

“Why are you wearing that heavy thing?”

“…None of your business.”

While my comrades typically wore swords at their waists, a two-handed sword was too cumbersome to carry around all the time.

That’s why I usually went without any weapons.

But after receiving that note, I couldn’t afford to be unarmed.

Even though I didn’t want to see Vivian’s face just yet… it was for precaution’s sake.

Whether I would continue to protect Vivian or not was a different story, but in the moment, I wanted to be in control of my choices.

Just for now, I wanted to keep alive the option of fighting for her like a fool again.

Duran shrugged, seemingly accustomed to my antics.

He didn’t press further. He knew asking wouldn’t get him anywhere.

Duran then asked another question.

It was probably something everyone had been curious about lately.

“Kyle, what’s up with you these days?”

“…What do you mean?”

“You’ve been throwing flowers around, sitting by the river, not eating…”

“…”

His tone hinted he already knew the reason.

Cautiously worried… Everyone probably guessed the same.

Duran seemed to want to get confirmation through me on behalf of the others.

He cautiously asked.

“…Did someone in your family pass away?”

“…”

I sniffled briefly.

Even though I’d spent a long time with my comrades in the Punishment Unit, I was unsure if it was right to share.

After all, their families were entangled with mine in one way or another.

Was it right to tell them this kind of thing?

“…”

Suddenly, I felt all those concerns were pointless.

I nodded to Duran and spoke honestly.

“…My mother.”

“…”

Duran also nodded silently. Then he carefully patted my shoulder.

Then he continued.

“So, you had a fight with Lady Vivian?”

“…A fight, what fight?”

“Trying to hide it isn’t working. You both are walking around with fierce expressions.”

“…”

Duran calmly stretched his neck.

He then said.

“Hey, Kyle. I’m keeping an eye on Lady Vivian because you told me to, but the problem is… it’s not someone else; it’s her.”

I countered with my growing questions.

“…What do you mean?”

“She’s not even touching her food lately. I’m worried she might faint from starvation.”

“…Vivian?”

“Yeah, that brat.”

That news stirred a mix of emotions in me.

It was bothersome but also somehow concerning. Stupid yet frustrating. At least it highlighted some level of influence I had over her, which tied my thoughts in knots.

Once again, I shook my head and brushed my thoughts aside.

“Let her starve. What do you want me to do?”

“…”

Duran fell silent at that answer.

Before I knew it, we reached the scene of the commotion.

By the castle gates, a few soldiers stood around.

There weren’t many.

It seemed the source of the commotion wasn’t considered a threat.

Feeling the unexpectedly peaceful atmosphere, I relaxed a bit.

“What’s going on?”

I shoved my way through the soldiers to assess the situation.

“Ah.”

Then, I spotted a girl surrounded by the soldiers.

She appeared to be around my age, with blonde hair. Her decent looks seemed to be why the soldiers were protecting her with such fervor.

“Did someone important arrive?”

She asked, her high-pitched tone dripping with femininity.

However, after hearing that curious question, I observed her closely.

With her eyes closed and a stick in her hand…

…it was easy to discern she was blind.

“Why are you here?”

I asked her.

The blind girl confidently pushed herself up with her cane and said to me.

“I’ve come because Lady Vivian said she was looking for talents! If I get the chance, I’d like to offer my help!”

“…”

The soldiers and I exchanged glances.

I was finally beginning to understand the meaning behind the commotion.

It was true that Vivian was looking for talents, but this was the first time someone had shown up.

Perhaps it was a first-time occurrence, making everyone a bit flustered.

I looked at the girl and spoke.

“What could a blind person possibly do?”

“What the heck…”

Duran shot me a warning look.

But leaving that unasked would have been impossible.

One had to understand the risks of standing beside someone like Vivian.

A blind person, like her, would be even more susceptible to that danger.

We weren’t just messing around.

But the girl continued to smile brightly.

“Even though I’m blind, I have talent in arithmetic! My mother praised me a lot for my business acumen! Maybe my brain got sharper since my eyes went bad!”

The soldiers beamed at her enthusiasm, while their cold gazes toward me intensified.

Duran, too, laughed heartily at the girl, but when it came time for me to respond, his expression soured.

“What’s your name and age?”

“I’m Kelsy! I’m 17 years old!”

Same age as me.

That left a slightly uncomfortable feeling, but it was Vivian who wanted to gather this bunch.

I couldn’t just tell her to leave.

“Search her.”

I ordered the soldiers.

Kelsy flinched at that.

“Ah… uh… th-that…”

Her clear discomfort was evident, and the soldiers didn’t know how to respond either.

“…What are you doing?”

I inquired of the soldiers, who all wore awkward expressions.

It was as though they felt some bizarre instinct to protect Kelsy.

What kind of conversation had they been having before Duran and I arrived? There was an atmosphere of consensus amongst them.

Duran leaned in and whispered as he placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, she’s blind… Do you really have to?”

-Thwack!

I lightly slapped his forehead and pushed him away.

Since no one else was doing it, I decided to take charge.

-Squeeze!

“Eep!”

I grabbed Kelsy at the waist, patting down her body as I searched her.

From the inner thigh down to her ankles, her shoes, belly, back, and arms were all checked thoroughly.

Kelsy initially resisted but eventually accepted the search, squinting her already closed eyes.

Her grip tightened around her cane.

-Thwack!

“Ah! My cane…!”

Finally, I snatched Kelsy’s cane from her.

I checked if that cane could potentially be a weapon, turning it this way and that.

As I inspected the rough piece of wood, I asked.

“…Do you have to use this cane?”

“Huh?”

“Does it have to be this one?”

“No… um, not really. I just picked it up from the ground… it’s comfortable to hold…”

I handed the cane over to Duran and said.

“Get another stick. Use this for firewood.”

“Why do you have to go so far?”

“What if it’s a witch’s staff?”

Kelsy jumped in shock.

“W-What? A witch…? I would never…!”

Her expression was devoid of even a hint of deceit, which for some reason made me trust her… but I wasn’t willing to end there.

That note warning me to be cautious of an assassin was still twisting inside me.

“We have to exercise this level of caution.”

I said to Kelsy.

“A commoner thinks they can just waltz up to the Lord of Roktana. Don’t you agree?”

“…”

“If you think it’s too much, go back. I’ll return your cane.”

“…”

Kelsy paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and responded with determination.

“No! I want to stay! I have younger siblings to feed!”

“…”

Hearing about her siblings tugged at my heartstrings.

After all, I had come to Roktana for my siblings as well.

I nodded. Though Kelsy couldn’t see, I was sure she sensed it.

While Duran wandered off to find a suitable stick, Kelsy spoke.

“Um… just one thing.”

“…?”

“…What’s your name?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I-I mean, you touched my body… Also, you seem like an important person…”

“If you’re going to fuss about things like that, just turn back. You won’t survive life in the castle.”

“…”

The atmosphere turned painfully cold.

Kelsy seemed to shrink under the weight of my glare.

Though I was sure she wouldn’t even realize it.

Kelsy halted her questions, standing uncertainly.

Duran soon returned with a suitably straight stick.

He handed the makeshift cane to Kelsy and advised her.

“It’s a bit rough, so be careful when you hold it.”

“Ah! Yes! Thank you…”

Kelsy fiddled with her new cane, tapping the ground a few times.

Turning to Kelsy, I said.

“Let’s go. To meet Vivian.”

“V-Vivian? Not Lady Vivian…?”

Kelsy seemed surprised, but I saw no reason to explain and continued walking.

My mind was filled with the thought of seeing Vivian.

Realizing I couldn’t keep avoiding her.

Given the earlier note, I thought I should at least see her once.

Now a valid excuse had come up, so I figured it was okay to go meet her.

But what would I do when I saw her?

Maybe if I could just throw a few curses her way, it would make me feel better?

The maid’s statement still turned my insides upside down.

That I loved Vivian.

…Where on earth did that ridiculous thought come from?

As I lost myself thinking, Kelsy called out from behind me.

“Hey, wait! W-Where are you going?”

When I turned back, I found her flailing, having lost direction.

“…”

Seeing her like that made me feel a strange twinge of sympathy.

Although I thought I was being paranoid, that girl had come all the way to Rondore Castle with courage despite being blind for the sake of her siblings.

“Hey, don’t leave me behind!”

Kelsy cried out desperately.

Now that I had done all I could, there was no reason to act brusquely.

-Thud!

Also, after I switched her cane, she might not have been used to it; she tripped and fell to the ground.

“Ow ow…”

Duran quickly rushed to her side, and I slowly approached her as well.

“…What a hassle.”

I murmured in front of her.

Kelsy looked up at me, wearied.

“Y-You were here. I’m sorry. Being blind makes it a bit tricky…”

“…Get up.”

I grabbed her arm and pulled her up.

Kelsy stood up again, using her cane to steady herself.

“I-I’ll follow your footsteps, so just walk a bit slower.”

“…Forget it.”

I slipped her hand onto my arm.

It turned into a light arm-in-arm position.

“Is this okay?”

“…”

Caught off guard, Kelsy stumbled over her words all at once.

“What are you rambling about?”

“I thought you were a complete jerk… No, um, I only did it with my father… It’s been a while since I’ve had this…”

Her stammering reminded me of Vivian.

That ridiculous thought brought a small smile to my lips.

That smile made Kelsy fall silent again.

I resumed walking.

Kelsy’s grip on my arm tightened.

After walking in that manner for a while, Kelsy, tapping her cane against the ground, asked.

“Are you really not going to tell me your name?”

“Vivian might decide she doesn’t need you, so what’s the point?”

“…Then, if she thinks she needs me?”

“First, show your worth before we think about it.”

“…”

I genuinely couldn’t understand why she was so insistent on knowing my name.

Weirdly enough, I felt a vibe of Lani Dubos from Kelsy.

As we walked, Vivian came into view in the distance.

I had initially thought about going straight to her room, but she seemed to be enjoying a leisurely stroll.

Her head turned this way and that, looking somewhat scattered.

I paused for a moment, observing her before cautiously approaching.

With each step I took, the maid’s words echoed in my mind.

Before long, Vivian noticed me.

As soon as she saw me, her body seemed to stiffen.

Upon looking at me, the calm expression on her face twisted into fierce anger.

Her eyes flitted between Kelsy and me.

“…”

“…”

We stood in a standoff, neither of us ready to speak.

Even though it had only been a few days, it felt like ages since we last met; I had no idea how to start the conversation.

I stopped in front of Vivian.

Kelsy tugged on my arm, asking.

“…Why did you stop?”

I ignored her question and directed my attention to Vivian.

“…I heard you haven’t eaten.”

Kelsy reacted to that.

“Huh?”

But Vivian, after glancing at Kelsy, looked at her cane, then back at me and replied.

“So?”

Kelsy, realizing someone was addressing her, pulled back in response to the level of commotion.

“…Huh.”

Vivian’s tone suggested a complete lack of desire to discuss.

I shook my head.

“…Who’s this?”

Vivian gestured toward Kelsy with a flick of her chin.

“Someone who came after hearing your speech.”

I answered briefly.

Vivian frowned. Her gaze turned cold as she scrutinized Kelsy and my intertwined arms.

“…What can a blind person contribute?”

Though she echoed my earlier words, this time I chose to stand up for Kelsy.

“That’s for you to figure out.”

“…”

Vivian coolly assessed Kelsy, who was shrinking back, and said frostily.

“You’re not going to let go?”

“Huh?”

Kelsy seemed confused about whether the remark was aimed at her, but… she pulled her hand away from my arm, following my lead.

“…Why are you carrying that sword?”

Vivian asked, glancing at the two-handed sword slung over my back.

As I pondered how to respond, I ultimately threw her a warning.

“…Be careful at night.”

“…”

Vivian’s expression conveyed she grasped fully what I was trying to convey with that remark.

Fear flickered in her eyes.

And she blinked at me for a while.

Perhaps she was silently wishing I would remain by her side.

The sentiment wasn’t merely about securing her physical safety; it carried a heavy emotional weight.

That expression affected me.

The maid’s voice and my swirling feelings tangled painfully within me.

Again, I felt that idiotic urge to protect Vivian rising up inside me.

Prompted by that, I firmly stated, perhaps even to myself.

“…I won’t protect you anymore. I finally realized how foolish that choice was.”

Vivian’s eyes twitched, but her words came out resolutely.

“…I never asked for that. I told you before… not to protect me.”

“…”

I stood there, frozen for a moment, then nodded.

Hearing those words again cut deeper than expected.

At a loss for words, I turned to leave.

But Vivian’s shout caught my attention.

“But…!”

The lingering sentiment in her voice felt all too clear.

Her twisted expression was fraught with irritation and fury.

“I don’t need you to protect me…! And I won’t apologize for what I did to you…!”

Vivian fumbled for words for a moment before slowly continuing. Her expression softened slightly.

“Kyle, you…”

Kelsy trembled at Vivian’s call.

“…Kyle? Kyle… Allen?”

Vivian whispered, her eyes filled with an undeniable sadness.

“…Aren’t you hungry?”

It was such an absurdly random question.

“…What?”

“I’m… hungry…”

Vivian mumbled, biting her lip and squeezing her eyes shut.

…but I could easily tell she wasn’t genuinely asking me about her hunger.

If being genuinely hungry was the issue, she could just eat food. There was no need to say it to me.

This was simply about our relationship.

It was her way of extending an olive branch.

It was a signal meant only for us.

A suggestion to eat together, to put things aside.

Implying that without her, I would starve, too.

It was a gentle nudge to stop starving myself as well.

In her stubborn way, she was telling me she was willing to admit defeat.

“…”

I could not respond.

So I simply turned away and left in silence.

I needed more time to process.

But one thing was clear: from the moment she said that, I began to realize just how much I had been starving inside.

 

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