“――――！！”

I can’t even perceive the moment I regained consciousness.

It sounds like a torrential rain is pouring in my ears, and my vision flickers between red and white, bending the world into a distorted and unpleasant display.

I can’t feel my limbs, and my insides scream in agony so intense that it feels like a throaty scream that’s too thick to articulate.

Twisting and thrashing my disobedient body, I convert the incomprehensible emotions surging from within into destruction using every moving part of my body.

What is happening, I have no clue.

Where did the pain go? Why is my consciousness so unclear? Where are the wounds that had invaded my entire being? Blood is draining away, life is slipping away, I’m dying.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die.

I hate this pain, this despair, this misery, this sadness, this fear—everything.

I want to distance myself from it all, yet that is all I can reach. So I lash out instinctively, smashing, crushing, tearing apart, throwing away, discarding those negative emotions, trying to protect my heart.

“――――！”

I can hear something. I hear someone’s voice.

Amidst the beast-like roars, there’s a desperate voice clinging on.

The meaning eludes me. I can’t understand it. I don’t want to grasp its meaning.

It’s pointless to listen. It’ll only hurt if I do. Listening won’t change anything. Nothing will change even if I hear it.

Yet gradually, bit by bit, the colors of the world become clearer.

Blood flows back into my fingertips, and the chaotic sensations throughout my body correctly transmit to my nerves.

My flailing arms must have hit solid objects numerous times; my nails are cracked, the back of my hand is torn, and it seems to be bleeding heavily.

A sharp pain pierces my brain, and my sobs slightly ease.

And then I realize. Something warm is clinging to the aching area of my right arm, wrapping around it.

A similar feeling exists in my legs as well. Something small covers the two legs I’d tried to thrash at the floor repeatedly, restraining my movements from above.

Colors return to my sight. The familiar white ceiling spreads before me.

With the return of blood flow and the weight on my back, I realize I’m lying on my back. The soft sensation is from the bed, and I was sprawling out as I slept.

And restraining my thrashing limbs in this position is—

“Dear customer, dear customer. Have you calmed down now?”

“Dear customer, dear customer. Is your complete madness over yet?”

The instant I hear those two familiar voices, my brain halts, and I can only choose to scream.

※※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※

For Subaru, this is the fourth time waking up on the first morning at Roswaal’s Mansion, and it has begun in a way worse than ever before.

He has already died six times in this world and returned.

None of his methods of dying were in any way pleasant, and each time he has tasted the agony of having things he gained slipping through his fingers again.

The pain and suffering never become something to get used to, and the feelings of loneliness and loss that arise every time are not something to share with anyone.

Still, gritting his teeth, Subaru has been trying to face forward and live. He swore he wouldn’t bend his knees, resolved not to lose the will to fight.

However, this time’s situation cannot be compared to the previous ones.

The feelings of loss, loneliness, pain, and suffering dig deep and sharp into Subaru’s heart, corresponding to the bonds he formed in those previous days.

He should be able to stand. Yet he cannot find the strength to rise. He can’t even think of a reason why he must stand. That is the situation he finds himself in.

“――Alright, it’s done. The wounds should be closed, but don’t act too violently. If you happen to bleed again, just call for me.”

A girl sits beside the bed, gently stroking the back of Subaru’s right hand as she gives him a reassuring smile.

With her silver hair tied into a single ponytail and a soft blue light shimmering in her palm, it’s Emilia.

Right after Subaru awakened and injured his hand while thrashing around, she rushed to heal him with her magic.

Inside the room, it’s just Subaru and Emilia.

The other two who witnessed his disgraceful condition upon awakening have bowed their heads and vanished the moment they noticed him.

“I heard from Ram and Rem that you said some terrible things to them?”

Subaru’s expression snaps up the moment those names he doesn’t want to hear are mentioned.

Emilia’s eyes widen slightly at his overreaction, but seeing the look of distress on Subaru’s face, she pouts her lips.

“Just so you know, they were feeling down because they thought they might have done something rude to you. So when you meet them next time, you should say something to make amends.”

“Something rude, huh? No, not at all. …There was nothing, nothing at all between me and those two.”

Subaru’s somewhat dismissive voice is raspy, and the echoes of his negative emotions cause Emilia’s beautiful brows to gently furrow.

Despite seeing that reaction, Subaru doesn’t offer any apologies or comfort.

Instead, what comes out of his mouth is a question that could be perceived as sarcastic.

“Hey, Emilia-tan… You don’t think I’m a nuisance, do you?”

“Tan? You…?”

For a moment, Emilia shows her usual rejection to the way he calls her. But Subaru’s serious attitude doesn’t falter in the least.

After a brief moment of reflection, she replies with a preface of “Not really,” and then raises a finger.

“I don’t think of you as a nuisance. Besides, Subaru is my lifesaver, right? If my lifesaver just disappeared without paying back that debt, my dreams would turn out bad. So, you can’t just vanish before you return the favor, you know?”

Emilia speaks quickly, as if trying to conceal some emotion.

Listening closely, Subaru observes her every move, searching for any signs of deceit or hidden feelings.

“Whoa, are you for real…?”

Noticing himself scrutinizing her carefully with a look of skepticism, Subaru can’t hide his disheartenment and disappointment, letting it slip out loud.

Inadvertently, wasn’t that exactly what Emilia just said? If he can’t even view her as a lifesaver anymore, then that’s the lowest of low.

Emilia should have been his oasis in this other world where he had no one to rely on.

The possibilities he could have believed in, even if they weren’t as deep as hers, have now mercilessly vanished from before Subaru.

If he loses even that absolute trust in her, it would mean nothing less than stumbling through utter darkness, feeling his way forward.

Suddenly, a thought grazed his mind.

What if he could confide this desperation weighing on his heart to none other than her?

Thinking back, Subaru has consistently fought to resolve every life-threatening crisis entirely on his own.

But the circumstances have spiraled into dire straits, where neither continuing nor retreating allows for any easy choices for Subaru.

In that case, a third party—someone he can trust, confiding in them and seeking their help might just be the best way to find a resolution.

As if the fog clearing away, the anxiety and confusion swirling in Subaru’s mind scatter.

Once he realizes it, he can’t fathom why he had previously disregarded that option; it seems so obvious now.

“—Emilia-tan, there’s something I want to talk about.”

Lowering his voice, Subaru turns to face Emilia.

Noticing the shift in atmosphere, Emilia too displays a worried expression and straightens her posture, meeting his gaze directly.

Staring into her deep purple eyes as he sees his reflection, Subaru begins to carefully choose his words.

What should he start with? The “Return by Death.” Or, should he lay bare the fact that he doesn’t even exist in this world?

It’s a story that could be laughed off and likely taken as a joke. Nevertheless, he believes she won’t brush off his sincere appeal.

That anticipation, that hope, is all that currently supports Subaru.

—Let’s start with “Return by Death.” And if possible, I want you to lend me your power.

Feeling ashamed of his own shamelessness in asking again from someone he owes, Subaru takes a breath and prepares to speak the first word. From there, things might finally begin to move.

The situation had reached such a convoluted state that he felt he couldn’t do anything else. There was a glimmer of light that could emerge from what had begun to feel utterly hopeless.

—At least, that was what he thought.

“――――”

The moment he tries to form those words and create a voice, it suddenly happens.

A sense of unease grips Subaru, causing him to hesitate in uttering his first line.

Something feels off, and he quickly realizes that it’s the sound. The sound has vanished. The world has abruptly fallen silent. Just moments ago, he could hear the rapid beating of his own heart, Emilia’s soft breath before him, and the gentle morning breeze sneaking through the slightly open window, painting an atmosphere of tranquility in the room.

All of that had completely disappeared from the world.

A world devoid of sound, one that is more isolated than mere silence could encapsulate. Even the sound of ringing in his ears is drowned out, and he can no longer hear the blood flowing within him—it is an utter void of sound.

Just being subjected to this renders him covered in chills, an unbearable discomfort stirring violently within him.

And this was only the beginning of the anomaly.

—What is this?

From the world where sound had vanished, now all movement had ceased.

Time stretches, moments become eternal, and a second later feels drastically altered in its arrival.

Before his eyes, Emilia’s expression remains serious, frozen in place. Her eyelids don’t even twitch, and her lips stay tightly sealed.

Emilia stands still, forever distanced from her next action. And Subaru is in the same plight; the feelings he should have voiced are rendered eternally unreachable in this state.

Sound has disappeared, time has stopped, and Subaru’s longing remains ever distant.

An inexplicable phenomenon has come upon him. His body, devoid of any responsiveness, is unable to move a single inch, leaving Subaru to run rampant in confusion.

Unfathomable. Unfathomable. Unfathomable. Unfathomable. Unfathomable――.

He lacks the mental composure to even theorize why this has happened.

All he can do is lament internally, overwhelmed by the realm of incomprehension crashing down on him.

And then, the cessation of that sensation presented itself suddenly.

—What is this?

The voice of doubt flickers in the back of Subaru’s mind, and he instinctively tilts his head as if to mimic the action.

His gaze, fixed and unyielding, perceives something that seems to have emerged out of nowhere.

It is a black mist. For Subaru, who lacks the liberty to blink, its appearance is nothing less than an absolute surprise.

Like it’s invading his consciousness, it drifts into the scene.

What stood out further was that the black mist gradually took on a distinct shape.

In a world where everything else has come to a standstill, only this black mist changes its shape at a smooth pace. Encompassing a volume that could fit in both hands, it slowly clarifies its outline, finally reaching its intended shape after a span of what felt like seconds.

—To Subaru, it appeared as a black hand.

The mist had transformed into the shape of an arm.

With fingers and a length not exceeding that of a forearm, a floating black arm.

And it began to move toward Subaru, gently wiggling its fingertips as if confirming something, driven by a clear purpose.

Without any means to resist, Subaru instinctively gasps as he sends it away with his gaze.

The black fingertips slip smoothly into Subaru’s chest as if there were nothing to obstruct it. He distinctly feels those fingertips caressing his insides.

Touching his organs, grazing against his ribs, the palm advances deeper, eventually reaching the most vital organ of the human body.

—Hey, wait.

A voice silenced within him. A body that couldn’t oppose. He couldn’t even twitch, and as he remained oblivious to the intentions of the black hand, fear surged through Subaru’s entire being.

—This is seriously no joke.

Before Subaru could fully articulate his thoughts, a shock rocked his very existence.

What could possibly explain why injuring one’s organs is painful? The answer is simple: there’s no need to think about it, it can be summed up in a single statement.

In that instant, the overwhelming pain that struck Subaru required no justification.

Simply put, the pain of having his heart mercilessly crushed assaulted him relentlessly.

He couldn’t scream. He was forbidden even from jerking his body in reaction to the pain.

With not a single means to alleviate the pain, there was only the agony of being unable to feel anything but pain, and who else could possibly understand Subaru’s experience in that moment?

Only suffering existed in that scenario. And it didn’t just bring pain; it offered Subaru a unbearably precious warning that made him want to weep.

As pain tore Subaru apart, his consciousness became a jumbled mess, memory shredded to the point he couldn’t even recall its original state—

“――Subaru?”

“――Huh?”

“Subaru, are you okay? You suddenly went silent; you’re worrying me!”

With her hands resting on his knees, the silver-haired beauty gazed at Subaru with worried eyes.

The moment he became aware of her presence, Subaru exhaled a long sigh. Then, he confirmed his fingers could move as he willed, and he touched his chest, ensuring his heart was softly beating.

His body can move. He can speak. His heart feels no pain.

Yet, the terror remains etched in him.

His fingertips tremble, his voice resists coming forth, his body stays shriveled and small.

As much hope as he felt, the truths brought on by that experience poisoned Subaru with despair.

When he mustered the courage to challenge it again, just a thought flitted through the corner of his mind that the black mist had passed him by.

And so, Subaru could no longer deny reality.

Overwhelming feelings of despair welled up as he covered his face with his palms, shrinking into himself on the bed. Emilia looked on, bewildered, her mouth opening as if to speak.

“W-what’s wrong? You’ve really been acting strange since earlier! If there’s anything—”

“—I have a favor to ask.”

Blocking the voice filled with concern, Subaru turns his palm toward her.

He can’t lift his gaze. He’s sure he looks terrible. If she sees him in this state, he can’t trust himself to predict what he might blurt out.

Summoning every bit of self-control, Subaru forms a single phrase.

He discards everything he had intended to say, all the sentiments he wanted her to hear, and the passionate desires he yearned to confess.

“Emilia-tan.”

“Y-yeah. Speak your mind.”

“Please, just ignore me.”

With that weak statement, he fell back onto the bed without seeking her response.

Unconsciously, his palm instinctively touched his chest, feeling the faint heartbeat beneath the thin skin, and as he became fully aware of the reality pressed upon him, Subaru understands clearly.

—It isn’t allowed to confide in others.

—Subaru must continue to struggle alone.