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The Villainous Noble Who Kept Rewinding After Death: The Story Somehow Changed When I Committed Suicide

Chapter 208: I’m Okay

~Side Sharueina~

(Everyone has left… I’m alone again…)

After Is and the others left the room, I was left sitting on the bed, curled up and hugging my knees like a small child.

(It’s okay… It’s okay… I’ve always been alone. Nothing has changed since then… So it’s okay…)

I hate the time when I’m by myself.

When I’m alone, I start thinking about various things, memories I’d rather not remember.

I was a genius since I was little.

From a young age, I could quickly learn studies, martial arts, and magic, and the adults around me praised me as a genius, a child of god.

I enjoyed learning new things even at such a young age, and since the people around me praised me, I had no intention of stopping.

I have three older brothers and one older sister, but I didn’t get along well with my brothers, and my only close sister had already married off to another country.

My oldest brother didn’t have any outstanding talent, but he was good at martial arts, magic, and studies, and because of his decisiveness and judgment, my father acknowledged him and made him the Crown Prince.

My second brother was smart, but perhaps he took after our mother; he was mentally weak, and because of that weakness, his body was also frail, so he rarely left his room.

My third brother excelled in martial arts, but he wasn’t very smart, and he was arrogant and ambitious, so he was currently being used by the faction that supported him.

At first, my sister spoiled me, but she got fed up with my third brother’s habit of looking down on women and married off to another country right after graduating from the academy.

I wonder when it was that my kind brothers began to avoid me.

I wonder when it was that their gaze towards me started to bleed with annoyance, inferiority, and jealousy.

I wonder when it was that the adults who once praised me started talking behind my back about how things would have been different if I were a boy, casting looks of expectation and disappointment.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it changed, but before I knew it, the environment around me and how they looked at me shifted, and being sensitive to others’ emotions, even as a child, I became afraid of interacting with people.

“What’s wrong, Shar? All alone in a place like this?”

“U-Uncle?”

“Hmm? Have you been crying again, Shar? Your cute face is ruined.”

Having become afraid of being seen by others, I often hid and started crying alone.

However, it was none other than my uncle who always found me and comforted me.

“I’m so scared of everyone now. My brothers, all the adults… they all look at me with weird eyes.”

“I see. That’s tough, isn’t it? Hmm… Yes, Shar. Do you know the story of the Hero?”

“Hero?”

That day, my uncle began telling me about the Hero out of the blue, which puzzled me a bit, but the story he shared was so interesting that it saved my heart.

“Yes. It’s about the Hero who fights the Demon King and saves the world.”

“I know that one. I read about it in a picture book.”

“I see. Then do you understand how the Hero was viewed by those around him?”

“What do you mean? Isn’t it amazing, or something to be admired?”

“Haha. Well, that’s true. Normally, the Hero who defeated the Demon King would be a savior to the people and would generally be viewed with admiration and respect. But not everyone feels that way.”

“What do you mean?”

“Smart Shar might be able to imagine it, but who do you think would be the next threat after the Demon King dies?”

“A threat?”

“Yes. It could be the next Demon King, or the remaining members of the Demon Race, or even wars among humans.”

“I don’t really get it.”

“Haha. Was that too difficult?”

The story my uncle was telling was perhaps a bit too difficult for a four-year-old, but he gently smiled while patting my head when I said I didn’t understand.

“What I mean to say is that the one closest to that threat is actually the Hero who defeated the Demon King.”

“Huh? The Hero?”

“Yes. The reason why people wanted to defeat the Demon King is, of course, because he was doing bad things, but the biggest reason is that he was too strong.”

“Is being strong a bad thing?”

“No, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the Hero was strong, which is why he could protect the people. However, people tend to fear and dislike those who are stronger than themselves or are different from them. So, while the Hero received admiration and envy, there were feelings of jealousy and fear directed at him as well.”

“Really…”

“So, Shar. What I want to say is that if even the Hero who defeated the Demon King is viewed that way, it’s only natural that those around you would look at you strangely given your talent. To put it in close terms, even your father is loved by the people as Emperor, but there are those who dislike him as well. Not everyone can be liked by everyone.”

“Even my father?”

At that moment, I genuinely believed that my father, the Emperor, was loved by everyone and that there was no one who hated him.

So for me, my uncle’s story was truly interesting, and though I couldn’t understand everything, I still felt a bit lighter in my heart.

“Shar, don’t worry about how others see you. Live as you like. You love to learn, don’t you? Then train in martial arts, magic, and studies as much as you like. That will one day become your strength.”

“Got it!”

From then on, while my fear of the gazes around me didn’t change, I could endure those gazes better because of the story my uncle told me and because he always listened to me.

However, unfortunately, such a life couldn’t last long, and just a few months before I was about to turn five, that incident occurred.

That kind uncle suddenly attacked the Imperial Castle alongside rebels.

I couldn’t accept the reality right away, and even after everything ended, I sought him out, wanting to hear his story, but he had already died.

“Uncle… Why…?”

With my only source of support, my uncle, betraying us and dying, I became even more afraid of interacting with people and started to withdraw.

Yet the gazes directed at me didn’t change, and out of concern for me, my father and mother decided to entrust me to the House of Valentine.

Honestly, I was also scared of being cared for by people I didn’t know well, but because my parents acted with my interests in mind and welcomed me warmly, I was quickly able to adjust.

At the Duke’s house, I didn’t meet any of my brothers, just like in the castle, and there was no one talking behind my back, so I could live easily.

Moreover, my younger brother, Is, adored me like a sister, and he was cute; he was even a genius himself, able to use all types of magic, and meeting someone with more talent than me eased my heart greatly.

However, everything has an end, and those happy days came to a close when I turned six, starting another solitary life in the Imperial Castle.

There wasn’t much change in the castle after a year, but I was more capable of enduring loneliness than before.

This was because I had come to see Is, who was like a younger brother, and I wanted to be a sister he wouldn’t be embarrassed by, which, meeting someone more talented than me, also gave me mental space.

After that, I worked hard on my training and studies while enduring the gazes directed at me, but instead, the whispers of “what if she were a boy” increased, and the gazes from my brothers grew cold.

“Lady Sharueina is truly wonderful!”

“She excels in magic and swordsmanship more than any of the princes, and her knowledge exceeds that of the second prince!”

“Really, if only she were a boy…”

“Sharueina can do anything; she’s perfect. I envy her. I wish I had such talent.”

“Please don’t let her into my room. Talking to her makes me feel miserable.”

“Ugh. What does it even mean that Sharueina would’ve been better if she were a boy? I’m definitely stronger than that girl.”

Ignoring all the voices I heard, I went about my days pretending not to notice.

“Lady Sharueina! You look lovely today!”

“Lady Sharueina, you ranked first in this exam too! How impressive!”

“Lady Sharueina, would you like to have a match with me…?”

Since entering the academy, it was just a life filled with praises of being amazing and perfect from my classmates and seniors.

(It’s okay. Being alone is nothing new. It’s okay… I’m still… okay…)

I laughed to brush it off, continually telling myself I was okay.

But that was reaching its limit.

(No, I’m not that perfect. My heart is so weak. I… I’m just…)

Being alone can never be without loneliness.

It’s unbearable to be disliked, avoided, and seen as an enemy by my brothers, who are supposed to be family.

It hurt deeply to be betrayed by my beloved uncle; there’s no way my heart remained unscathed.

Yes, long ago, my heart had been sliced by words like knives, pierced by gazes like spears, and was already in tatters.

And yet, to think that the uncle I adored was alive and even trying to destroy the Empire by making a pact with a demon…

My heart wasn’t strong enough to accept such a reality.

I couldn’t find the room in my heart to fight my uncle and kill him without hesitation.

My heart has reached its limit.

Once I became aware of that, I couldn’t return to those days I had once endured.

Honestly, I wanted to escape right away.

I wanted to turn away from reality as usual, block my ears, and forget as if nothing had happened.

But my status as a princess and everything I had built in the past wouldn’t allow me to flee here.

“What should I… do…?”

The more I thought, the more my thoughts sank into mud, leaving me painfully aware of my loneliness.

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If you’re interested, please check out the concurrently serialized “Former Hero, Becoming the Demon Emperor to Devote the World”!

If you’re curious, I’d be thrilled if you could read it at least once!

https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330663836544021

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