---

136 확

“I want to hold it in my hand.”

As my gaze quietly flowed between Reiner and me like water, I mulled over his words. The more I pondered, the more I tasted both sweetness and bitterness, as if chewing the pulp of a grapefruit.

In this situation, it was painfully clear what Reiner wanted to hold in his hands.

“…Me.”

Usually reserved and temperate, it was impossible not to read the ripples of longing spreading across his golden eyes as I glanced his way.

“Why? Is it my strength that you desire?”

But still, I could not grasp the reason behind his yearning.

Why would someone as complete as Reiner need me? Sure, the House of Crisis backs me, but that’s not truly mine to claim. The Duke is Caesar, after all.

Truly, the only thing I could boast of as mine was my martial prowess.

“Was it because you loved swords so much, Reiner? Is that why you’re showing me these emotions? Are you envious of my swordsmanship?”

That seemed to be the best conclusion I could draw, but it left a bitter aftertaste. If I concluded this way, Reiner would be looking at me solely for my strength, which was oddly disheartening.

As I desperately turned this over in my mind, I finally sighed and opened my lips.

“Do you want to learn swordsmanship from me, Reiner?”

Every time I tried to carefully deduce something on my own, it ended in error.

No matter how hard I thought, matters related to human emotions always seemed to veer off-point. Having experienced countless misunderstandings, I decided to take the direct route.

“Why is swordsmanship coming up right now?”

“…Isn’t it?”

Reiner, narrowing his brows, had a look of disbelief in response to my question. Realizing I had misjudged again, I felt awkward and fiddled with my ear.

“Ah…”

Reiner, gazing at me intently, took a deep breath before looking up at the sky, appearing somewhat lost like a person tasked with teaching a child a windmill after just learning to walk.

“There are times when I’m curious how you process what people say and arrive at these conclusions with that little head of yours.”

Though he spoke with his usual calm tone, I could detect the lament hidden within. Embarrassed by that oddly resigned yet unruffled tone, I faced Reiner with a slight frown.

“I thought you coveted my swordsmanship since all I possess is a sword. So, why do you desire me?”

As I tossed my curiosity, like a crumpled piece of paper, towards him directly, I could no longer endure the flames of my simmering questions.

Reiner’s pupils flickered as he gazed directly at my query. The image of a black sun bobbing in an endless sea of longing seemed like a work of art.

“…I don’t know how to phrase it nicely. I can’t even make metaphors like ‘love’.”

After a brief silence, those tightly held lips gradually parted.

Well, Reiner was the epitome of a steadfast and stiff knight. He couldn’t speak in circles. Though he didn’t express it roughly, it certainly wasn’t pretty either.

If words were a dish, Reiner’s manner of speaking felt like something hastily thrown on the table without any special technique.

“But still, I want to say it.”

Reiner whispered softly in my ear, his large hand brushing against my hair, teasingly tickling my forehead.

“When I look at the night sky, I think of Kashmir’s hair, and I spend several nights staring at the sky. Yet, I still missed you. The night sky is beautiful, but… it’s merely a pale imitation of you, the black circle. Only when I see your hair fluttering in the wind do I feel my endless thirst somewhat quenched.”

Reiner’s hand slowly moved to the corner of my eyes. As I instinctively closed my eyes upon feeling his firm fingertip brush my eyelashes, I reopened them to meet his gaze.

“The color in Kashmir’s eyes is something I have never seen before, not once. Nothing can mimic this hue. Nature has many pinks, but the crimson of the sunset isn’t as intense, and the thistle flowers don’t shine like this color. It’s your unique color. When you gaze straight at me with those eyes, I feel I’m on the right path.”

His softly murmured words tickled like a lover’s caress.

Startled by a strange feeling, I slightly lowered my head when Reiner, smiling softly, gently pressed my lower lip with his thumb. My lips unconsciously parted.

The sensation of a knight’s rough fingertips brushing against the softest part of my body felt indescribably strange.

“You should call me by my name, Kashmir. In a name-less life full of duties and destinies… it feels like I’m finally gaining a name.”

Reiner spoke slowly and calmly, as if explaining to a child why the sun rises and sets. The deep emotions in between his words felt like each syllable was steeped in heavy feeling, as if soaked cotton.

Hearing such meticulous explanations about myself for the first time, it felt as if he spoke in a different language.

“How can I not desire you when everything is so lovely?”

The corners of Reiner’s mouth curled gently. At that moment, I suddenly noticed that when he smiled, a dimple formed on his right cheek.

Though he said I was adorable, he seemed even more adorable in my eyes.

“You deserve to be loved. That’s all Kashmir needs to know. …Not yet.”

Reiner seemed to want to say something more; with his red lips pursed tightly, he took a deep breath and halted his words. The final word, “not yet,” sounded particularly significant.

“Please don’t hate me for wanting you despite daring to overstep my boundaries. You’re not merciful, are you?”

As Reiner removed his hands from my face, he lightly brushed my cheek with his head. His silvery hair was incredibly soft, reminiscent of a wolf-like silver shepherd playing cutely.

“…It tickles.”

Was the tickling spreading near where his hair brushed against my cheek, or was my whole body tingling? It became increasingly difficult to meet his golden eyes head-on. In this strange mood, I slightly turned my head away.

“Ha ha ha.”

Then, beyond the stall where the transaction was happening, I made eye contact with a grandmother wearing a blissful smile as she gazed at Reiner and me.

“Please, move aside!”

Caught halfway between enchantment and confusion due to Reiner, I was startled and instinctively pushed him away with both hands. He submitted easily to the shove.

“Ugh! Seeing two handsome youths together, why are you separating?”

As the distance grew between Reiner and me, the grandmother, with a sudden serious expression, leapt over the table and approached us. My neck heated up, and I hastily splashed water on my face.

“Why are you here, Ramona?”

Coincidentally, the elderly woman who had been enthusiastically watching us was someone I recognized.

“Why am I here, you ask? This is my shop, Cashew! Have you forgotten that I set up a jewelry stall at every festival? I was just running an errand and left the shop to my granddaughter… If I had known something this interesting was happening, I would’ve come sooner.”

“Fine, but isn’t it time to stop calling me that nut?”

“Don’t talk nonsense. It’s an adorable nickname.”

“Ah…”

I sighed and pressed my forehead. Ramona’s eyes held a wonderfully meaningful yet warm glimmer as she laughed heartily, freely changing my name.

“Kashmir. Do you know this elder—”

Reiner, staring at Ramona and me with a puzzled expression, asked. My neck flushed crimson as I slowly nodded.

“Damn it, I don’t know why, but I’m embarrassed…”

Ramona was someone who lived nearby before I moved to the House of Crisis.

She had helped me countless times as I wandered the back alleys looking for food, always giving me something even after I turned seven, unlike other townsfolk who cut me off completely.

“Why did we have to meet now…?”

She was one of the few people I wanted to see again after moving to the House of Crisis, but the timing was unfortunate.

“So, Cashew, who’s that young man beside you?”

Ramona loved to tease and was quite the trickster.

“…He’s a friend, a friend.”

“Oh? Nowadays, kids are so forward with their friends, huh? How thrilling.”

“Ramona…”

With Ramona skillfully dodging my defenses, I could only bury my face in my hands. It was becoming increasingly embarrassing to face Reiner.

Seeing Ramona cheerfully laughing at my discomfort, I pressed my temples with irritation.

“You’re really mischievous.”

“It’s a mere fraction of what you deserve for leaving without a word! Just like a deformed pepper!”

With a stern expression, Ramona poked my side with her staff. Her fierce tone was mixed with a hint of mischief and hurt, making me let out a small sigh.

As I moved to the House of Crisis, I hadn’t informed anyone of my change in location. It wasn’t exactly a secret, but there was no need to spread it around.

However, if anyone should have felt hurt about my silence, it was undoubtedly Ramona.

“I’m sorry. I had planned to visit after moving, but… I just didn’t have the time until now.”

I lowered my head slightly with genuine remorse.

After a click of her tongue in response to my apology, Ramona promptly smacked the back of my head near the handle of her staff. The sharp sound echoed, but of course, it didn’t hurt, and Ramona knew it wouldn’t.

“You foolish child. Didn’t you think to at least give a warning? I thought I lost you somewhere deep in the back alleys… here you are, having fun with that handsome young man?”

“Ramona, please…”

Unable to say much against Ramona’s unrestrained remarks, I grumbled softly. I had to admit I was partly at fault.

“I’ll make sure to properly visit next time. Please don’t tease me too much.”

I pouted and attempted to stay on her good side.

‘She helped me so much.’

In those desperate childhood days, wandering the back alleys just to get a meal, Ramona’s help was something I could never disregard.

I couldn’t help but smile bitterly.

“And thank you for helping me when I was younger. While others offered assistance a little, after I turned seven, you were the only one who continued giving me food… Without you, it would have been incredibly tough. As you know, my younger sister and I couldn’t receive help from our parents.”

As the memories of those difficult days resurfaced, my voice naturally lowered. Thinking of the time when I had to beg for food, feeling defenseless and vulnerable in front of others made me a bit melancholy.

I thought Ramona would hastily brush off my thank you, but unlike my expectations, her expression turned quite peculiar upon hearing my words.

“You… still don’t know.”

“What?”

“Well, how could your mother possibly tell you? Audrey asked me to keep it a secret…”

At the mention of my mother’s name, I stiffened.

‘Audrey.’

Hearing my mother’s name for the first time in a long while, the fog in my mind seemed to clear. I instinctively felt a sense of urgency and grabbed Ramona’s shoulder.

“What do you mean? What is it that I don’t know?”

Ramona frowned at my query. Her expression indicated deep contemplation, before she slowly opened her mouth, as if having made a decision.

“Your mother asked me to keep it from you, but… now you must know.”

Ramona looked directly at me.

“Do you remember the people from the village who helped you until you turned seven?”

“Yes.”

“There were but a few who helped, right? They took turns giving you food every day.”

“…Yes.”

“I didn’t take the money Audrey provided, but… the others did, and they helped you. That’s why, after Audrey died, they stopped helping you. Those pathetic fools.”

And what followed was something I could never have imagined.

 

---