What does it mean to be happy?

Natsuki Subaru believes that one definition of happiness is to remain unchanged.

He thinks that happiness is having a tomorrow that is just like today, a today that is just like yesterday, and days that continue on without change.

Of course, it’s impossible to live without everything changing.

The passage of time creates change, leading to wear, evolution, or regression, and ultimately to an end.

So, when I suddenly found myself in this other world, am I moving forward? Or am I retreating backward?

If we talk of change, there’s no greater change than being thrown from the ordinary into the extraordinary as I am now.

Natsuki Subaru has always feared more than anything the changes in his environment, his circumstances, his status, and his way of life.

That’s why, even in this drastically altered world, he desperately seeks to find something that remains unchanged, clinging to it fiercely.

He doesn’t want to let go of what he once obtained, still hanging on for dear life.

Even so—here I am.

When I awoke, I frowned at the unfamiliar ceiling above me.

It wasn’t the lavish ceiling of Roswaal’s Mansion that I had grown accustomed to, nor was it the simple yet well-maintained ceiling of an inn. Of course, it wasn’t the charmingly filthy ceiling of my own room either.

While reflecting on the absurdity of the ceiling’s height, I drifted in a vague sense of consciousness for just a few seconds.

For someone like Subaru, who wakes up too well, the dreamy state of waking is far removed. I savor the subtle differences from my usual self while groping to recover my memory.

What happened before I fell asleep? More importantly, where is this place?

A sharp pain throbbed in my temple, and as I cracked my eyes open, tears welled up slightly.

Whether it was from the pain or the disorientation of waking up, I couldn’t be sure.

I used my sleeve to gently wipe the droplets that had formed, and suddenly, I noticed a strange sensation at my right wrist.

Peeking from the sleeve, there was a conspicuous scar that I couldn’t recall ever having.

Etched into both the inner and outer sides of my wrist, it was accompanied by a faint numbness—

“…I remember now.”

How pitifully I had suffered to end up with these scars.

And if this scar remains, that means—

“I didn’t die…”

The mere utterance of those words was so audacious and arrogant that Subaru didn’t even realize it.

Furthermore, he was utterly oblivious to what he subconsciously desired.

Just then—

“Subaru, are you awake?”

The jingly-sweet voice, like silver bells, now seemed extremely uncomfortable to me.

Tilting my head, I looked toward the source of the voice.

There stood Emilia, walking toward me, beside the bed I lay on.

She looked just like she had in the royal selection hall, wearing the same outfit.

Her white-based clothing lacked the flashy brilliance of nobility, but it matched her pure and righteous demeanor perfectly. The white robe she had grown accustomed to wearing outside was neatly folded and now cradled in her arms.

Comparing her appearance with the orange light streaming through the window, I concluded that not much time had passed.

Perhaps only a few hours had gone by. Considering that the royal selection had started around noon, I must have been unconscious for roughly four hours.

“How’s your injury? Felix treated you, so I don’t think there are any oddities…”

Emilia, with worry etched in her eyes, leaned closer to me. When her amethyst gaze fell on my wrist, she winced at the severity of the scar that remained.

Despite her compassionate gaze toward my condition, I felt as if she had seen something I didn’t want to be seen, and I discreetly hid my right hand behind my back.

“Ah, well, at first glance, I don’t see anything that looks particularly bad. But honestly, feeling the remnants of a supposed broken tooth is quite alarming,” I said while squirming my tongue around in my mouth, shuddering at the sensation of the missing front tooth.

I regretted not being aware of the treatment. I wondered if the tooth I thought was broken had actually regenerated or been reconstructed.

As I started to realize the devastating state of my mouth, I was amazed once more at the remarkable healing magic of this world.

If bone fractures, lacerations, and permanent teeth could heal entirely in just four hours, hospitals back in my original world would be out of business.

“Wait a minute. I can’t imagine magic being able to do anything about diseases. So, thinking about it, hospitals still have their advantages…”

“Water magic works on internal ailments like diseases, so I think there’s nothing for you to worry about, Subaru.”

“Seriously, magic is just too versatile. Farewell to the White Big Tower. Say hi to BJ for me!”

I shot back a lighthearted comment while I tried to wet my tongue just like usual. But it seemed Emilia noticed my internal struggle, as her gaze remained filled with unchanging compassion.

Being “sympathized with” was truly the hardest thing for me to endure in my current state.

“By the way, I wonder if the royal selection discussions wrapped up safely?” I attempted to change the subject to avoid the heavy silence that loomed.

Emilia nodded slightly and replied, “For the most part. The key points were discussed in the hall. After that, we only needed to finalize the details. Roswaal mostly just nodded, and that was that.”

When it came to the specific details, it seemed that for Emilia, who was still learning imperial studies, it was somewhat burdensome. Hearing the hint of self-doubt in her voice, I realized I felt relieved by that.

At the royal selection, Emilia had likely experienced her own sense of helplessness and sorrow—such miserable sympathy.

To mask the dark emotions rising within me, I looked up, hurriedly averted my gaze, and said, “So, where’s Roswaal? He had a real air of invisibility in the hall.”

“After his duties as my supporter were done, he went off to do his work as a court magician. Despite his demeanor, it seems he’s relied upon here… It’s not fair for someone like me who can’t do anything without Roswaal to say that.”

Unlike when she confidently expressed her opinions in the hall, Emilia’s demeanor now seemed somewhat backwards and weak. If she were comparing herself to the other candidates and feeling down about it, I thought it was an extreme underestimation of her.

Indeed, if one were to evaluate based on the education she received or her origins, her position as a half-elf was rather unfavorable.

However, it’s also true that her assertion about wanting her worth to be judged for her future rather than for those elements held merit, and at that moment, she had an attitude that could impress even the fiercely rigid old man.

What she deemed lacking in herself were things she could acquire postnatally.

The most essential thing for her in seeking the throne—she already possessed it from the very beginning, as I saw it.

That’s why I thought her sadness was misguided and that what she lacked in her quest for the throne was far from it. Yet, fearing that she might come to realize this, I said,

“Well then, after Roswaal finishes his discussions, let’s get back to the inn right away. We need to retrieve Rem and strategize for the future. Or do we still have stuff to take care of in the castle?”

“Subaru…”

“If not, that’s fine. It’s unclear where eyes and ears are placed here, so ideally, we’d head back to the mansion first. We can discuss things in more detail there… No, since we’ve come all the way to the royal capital, we’d be better off securing connections with influential figures first…”

“—Subaru!”

Emilia sharply called out to me to interrupt my rapid-fire chatter. Her voice caught me off guard, breaking my uninterrupted flow, and I finally turned my gaze back to her.

With a steadfast gaze, her deep indigo eyes were fixed on me.

“—Let’s talk.”

In a calm tone, yet one that echoed heavily in the air, it felt as if Subaru had been gravely warned.

Sitting up, I used the bed as a makeshift chair, while Emilia held tightly onto the robe she cradled in both hands, leaning against the wall near the entrance.

This was preemptively signaling that the content of what we were about to discuss was not something we could casually share with smiles.

“I had a lot of things I wanted to ask, but… I couldn’t before because of the location. Really, a lot.”

“…Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Emilia hesitated, her lips trembling as she tried to decide where to start. I could easily see her hesitation and wavering.

After all, these were events I had caused. To her, they likely fell outside her realm of imagination, and she would naturally want reassurance.

Therefore, rather than interrogate me about all my actions today, Emilia should question the intent behind them.

To that, I could respond without hesitation with just one answer.

But—

“Er, then… why did you fight with Julius?”

The topic she chose wasn’t what I had anticipated.

In the first place, it was a part of my story that made me frown. Sarcastically, I couldn’t help but smile at how she framed it with the word “fight.”

“…What’s that incredibly unpleasant face for?”

“Well, it’s just that I couldn’t think of it as a grand tale worthy of the term ‘fight.’”

After getting trampled so mercilessly, it felt more like a slaughter. Or like what Julius himself had called it: “punishment.”

Regardless of how torn up I felt inside, Emilia’s expression turned pained at my response. It only made sense that she’d be surprised at my self-mocking tone, as it was something I usually met with humor.

Her pale eyes shimmered with concern as she added, “There must have been some reason, right? Knowing you, I’m sure it was something important…”

“Reasons, huh…”

When Julius came to me while I was crumpled up in the waiting room, I instantly understood it was a response to my rudeness in the hall.

I had picked up on the disparity between our strengths well enough. Ordinarily, I would have made an excuse, claiming a stomachache, and scrammed to foil my enemy’s schemes, and I really thought I should do that.

Yet, I picked up a wooden sword at that moment and took on an opponent I knew I had no chance against—resulting in me being absolutely crushed.

Why did I act that way? The answer was:

“I just wanted to make a mark.”

“In the hall and in the waiting room, that jerk said I was—unworthy. I knew that. I was aware of it. I was the one who knew best how insufficient my strength was. But!”

I raised my head, looking up at Emilia with her silver beauty and bewildered expression.

“I just wanted to show that I wasn’t worthless. No, it’s not just that. I just wanted to stand beside him. If I could show him even a piece of that, I thought maybe I could become… a little better…”

Words muddled together as emotions brewed inside me, and I hung my head, clenching my fists atop my knees.

I hated not being able to put my thoughts into words. If only I could convey everything swirling inside me, I wouldn’t feel so frustrated.

“Subaru…”

“It was pride. I felt pitiful, useless, a hindrance. I hated him for trying to separate me from you… I wanted to counter his challenge, so I took up the fight.”

In the end, that was how I felt.

Julius had chastised me more severely than anyone else for being unworthy of Emilia. But no one knew better than I just how true those words were.

I had struggled endlessly to conceal that truth. I was furious at the man who so easily peeled away the mask I fought so hard to maintain.

I desperately tried to hide what had been exposed to the light.

I guess that’s why the end result was me winding up in a sea of my own blood.

At my powerless answer, Emilia gasped quietly.

It undoubtedly wasn’t the more meaningful answer she sought. I had no idea what ideal answer she hoped for. Yet, the reality of my pride betrayed the ideal she wanted to believe in.

That disappointment slipped from her lips in a whisper.

“Was it really for something like that?”

“That was important to me…”

That was the core of what I couldn’t compromise on.

I had presumed that, as long as I was respected in return for everything I had done, I could hold my head high.

Taking into account those trivial efforts, I was tormented by shame, unable to move.

It was as if I could no longer catch up to the back of the one walking ahead.

But Emilia couldn’t understand my desperate feelings.

She simply wore a sad expression as she observed my pitiful state, and I could only weaken.

“Emilia… do you not… trust me?”

That came across as selfish, self-centered, and utterly egotistical.

It was wrong to say something like that. This was a total breakdown, a refusal to understand her perspective.

Silence settled between us.

I knew full well that my words were dismissive and that Emilia would certainly understand that.

I wanted to avoid discussing the motivations behind my actions any further.

No matter how much I tried to dig into the past, I wouldn’t be able to respond to the answer Emilia sought, and heaving the topic open any further would only deepen our wounds.

“—I see.”

Coming back to reality, that soft, sighing voice punctured the silence that blanketed Subaru.

The way she spoke conveyed both acceptance and resignation—it meant ours has come to an end.

“I owe Subaru a great deal. A lot, way too much…”

“Yeah, so I…”

“Let’s settle it all and put an end to this.”

The clear declaration of her words caused Subaru to look up, his expression jolting with surprise.

When he met Emilia’s gaze, though, he could nothing but sense the emptiness pouring from her being, and upon reflecting on what he had just said, actually realized that he had said something irreparable.

Lost in my own momentum, washed away by a surge of emotion, I had allowed myself to utter words I should never have spoken.

If I defined our relationship simply by “debts” that needed to be settled, then that left no room for value.

If I infused calculations into actions that had originally stemmed from a genuine desire to help, then it would undoubtedly lead to the end of our connection.

“No… No, no, no, that’s not what I wanted to say…”

Defining our bond by “loans” would imply our relationship could only end when the balance tipped.

I had intended to act out of an instinctive desire to help, but I had allowed my thoughts to drift into numbers.

“Enough. —Natsuki Subaru.”

With an intimate familiarity, she had always called me by my first name since our first encounter.

Yet, when she addressed Natsuki Subaru using my full name, reality hit me like a slap, crushing me with bitter clarity.

Emilia walked away, not extending a hand to comfort me.

She tossed her silver hair as if to shake off her final connection to me and turned her back.

“Rem will be coming later, so just follow her. I’ll leave everything else about staying in the royal capital to her.”

I couldn’t even reply, nor was it expected of me.

As Emilia moved away, I couldn’t even find the courage to reach out to her, let alone follow her.

The distance separating us was physical, but the gap in our hearts was far greater.

“I…”

Suddenly, stopping at the door, Emilia murmured softly, such that the sound fell into the room.

She seemed to be speaking to herself more than me, murmuring in a soft tone, “I had hope. Maybe Subaru wouldn’t treat me differently… Maybe he’d see me like everyone else, like a normal girl…”

Asking for fair treatment in the hall, Emilia had hoped for that.

Being a half-elf meant even the simple wish for such things had been a source of suffering.

However—

“That’s impossible.”

I whispered back softly, breaking through the silence.

Her muttering didn’t echo as a plea for affirmation; thus, my response too, would not stand as an answer to her words.

Repeating what she had said, I weakly shook my head.

“Even if I gathered all the people in the world, it is impossible. I can’t… see you like everyone else. Not even close.”

That much was indisputable—my true feelings.

When the door shut, the air grew still.

I was left alone in the room, curling up on the bed with my gaze wandering about aimlessly.

Then, my eye caught a robe that had snagged on the edge of the bed and nearly fell to the floor.

I reached for it, pulling it back into my grip. It seemed to still retain the warmth of the person who had once held it, and I clung to it as if not wanting to let go.

—

And on this day, Natsuki Subaru was truly, for the first time, utterly alone in another world.