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The fire that fueled my heart was anger and helplessness.

As a child, I was just one of the ordinary kids in a rural village. An average farm boy who dreamed of becoming a hero or a knight like the ones in storybooks.

A roughly broken branch was my sword, and a brass bowl stolen from the kitchen without my parents knowing was my helmet. With the other boys, we formed groups and joyfully played pretend, deciding who was the hero and who was the Demon King, using the back mountain as our stage.

Looking back now, it’s amusing, but among those boys, there was one girl who played the role of the princess.

Her name was Ella. She was the daughter of the only inn in the village.

Ella’s mother was a maid from a noble family but returned to the countryside with Ella’s father, who was also her grandfather. Ella, who inherited her mother’s looks, was the prettiest girl in the village.

Perhaps because she was from the capital, her skin was fair and free of blemishes, unlike the village kids who were covered in freckles. Thanks to her mother’s education, her speech was soft, making her seem like a girl from a good family. Of course, it wasn’t to the level of a true noble lady, but that was the impression from the perspective of an ignorant country bumpkin.

Because of her exceptional looks, Ella had difficulty fitting in with the other village girls. It was probably due to jealousy. As a child, I couldn’t bear to see Ella alone, so I brought her along and awkwardly forced her into our group of boys, and it seemed like Ella was secretly happy about my actions.

Since I was the strongest and had good stamina among the village boys, it was always my role to be the hero protecting the princess. Naturally, Ella was always the princess. When I slipped a flower crown made from picked flowers onto her left ring finger, her shy smile was more than enough to steal the heart of a foolish rural boy.

Ella did not hide her nostalgia for the capital. Whenever she had a chance, she would tell me how beautiful the streets of the capital were, what her friends there were like, and how splendidly the people of the capital dressed.

While listening to her stories, I strained my limited imagination to picture the city. I imagined Ella walking through a beautiful city, not this grassy countryside, and envisioned myself walking alongside her.

I wanted to wear real armor and wield a real sword, to become a splendid knight and take her to the city like a princess.

“One day, I’ll take you to the capital.”

“Really? Will you promise?”

“Yes. The capital has the Imperial Palace and balls, too. I’ll take you to everything. I promise.”

Whether it be the Imperial Palace or balls, it was a naive dream for a country bumpkin who would never see such places in his lifetime, but in that moment, Ella’s dream was my dream too. With sincerity in my promise, Ella beamed and nodded.

We linked our pinkies, a promise we made without letting the adults know. Believing in that promise wholeheartedly, I devoted myself to training to become a knight.

In a rural village, it was unlikely anyone would teach me to wield a sword, so I thought I should first build my stamina and climbed the back mountain every day. It was foolish training, but as I repeated it steadily, I grew strong enough that no one in the village, including adults, could defeat me. I thought that if I grew strong enough like this, one day I would fulfill my promise to Ella.

As time passed, Ella…

One day, left the village in the dead of night with a mercenary group staying at the inn. She left behind only a letter saying not to look for her as she would be starting a new life in the city.

“Please tell Ion to take care.”

That was the only line she left for me.

No matter how much I denied reality, Ella would never return. The promise we made as children was something I had taken seriously, while for her, it seemed to have been just a fleeting moment. With Ella gone, it was painful to remain in a village filled with her traces.

Unable to endure the resentment and sense of loss, I eventually left the village and enlisted in the army. I hoped to be deployed to a front-line unit near the border. It was because I wanted to distance myself as far as possible from my hometown, filled with memories of Ella, and perhaps even the capital, where Ella might be.

Originally, new recruits didn’t have the freedom to choose their assignments; however, the front lines were always short on manpower, and soldiers avoided those units, which allowed me to be deployed there as I desired.

I acted like someone who lived without wanting to live. By day, I fought against the monsters pouring in from beyond humanity’s borders, and by night, I dedicated myself to training, wielding my weapon until my muscles trembled. Such was my determination that even the veteran soldiers in the same unit said they’d never seen a stubborn person like me.

Everyone warned that if I kept fighting like this, I’d soon end up dead, claiming that even those who had lost parents to monsters wouldn’t fight as recklessly as I did. While some genuinely offered advice out of concern, I had no leisure to receive kindness as kindness at that time. Naturally, it was expected that I would end up isolated, pushing everyone away.

I couldn’t understand why I was so desperate. Was it to succeed and turn Ella’s head? Or to make her regret? Was I disappointed in my own powerlessness and simply wanted to grow strong? Or, was I so despondent about everything that I just wanted to die?

Perhaps all of those thoughts held some truth. The anger and sorrow, lost with nowhere to go, constantly pushed me forward.

I lived like a ghost within the regiment. It was only natural that no soldier would want to befriend someone on the brink of death. Especially since I was notorious for being unpleasant.

Having survived several intense battles where dying would have been unsurprising, rumors started to circulate among my fellow soldiers that I had been cursed or was a bringer of misfortune.

So no one approached me. Except for one person.

Sister Charlotte. She was the only one in the regiment who paid attention to me.

Charlotte was a pure citizen of the Empire, not from the Holy Kingdom, but her sincere faith in the Goddess and her skills in healing arts matched, if not exceeded, those of the priests from the Holy Kingdom. I had never met a priest from the Holy Kingdom, but the soldiers who had received Charlotte’s healing would unanimously say the same thing, enough for a rural bumpkin like me to realize she was exceptional.

For reasons unknown, this extraordinary nun cared for me more than any of the other soldiers. During the day, if I got injured in battle, she prioritized my treatments over the other severely wounded. At night, she healed my torn muscles from excessive training with her divine healing. If Charlotte hadn’t been there, I might have died or become crippled long ago.

At first, I pushed her away, but the more I tried to reject her, the more she stuck to me, citing her beliefs and duties as a priestess. I wasn’t so foolish as to be completely oblivious to her kindness, nor was I ungrateful enough to just accept her healing and bolt. Naturally, we became closer over time.

Little by little, Charlotte and I began to share stories we hadn’t told anyone else. She revealed that she had lost her parents to monsters at a young age and grew up in an orphanage, volunteering to serve at the front lines to ensure no child would share her fate.

Charlotte’s dream was to create a world where people wouldn’t have to fear monsters.

I too disclosed a past I had never spoken of before. Until now, I had never had the courage to mention Ella. The mere thought of what had driven me so relentlessly—an unrequited love—being known by others was bound to invite mockery for both Ella and myself, and that was not what I wanted.

After saying it, I regretted it briefly. I wished I hadn’t spoken, that it was better left unsaid. I feared how she might see me. Given her noble mission to protect people, seeing me as nothing but a foolish child who came to the battlefield over a mere unrequited love would not have been surprising. I thought maybe I could even be despised.

But Charlotte did not mock me.

“You must have had a hard time, huh?”

She pulled me into a warm embrace with a sorrowful smile.

“That’s not your fault.”

No, it was my fault. If I had been stronger, if I had been more reliable, Ella wouldn’t have discarded me like that. Yet, feeling the warmth and affection of another for the first time in a long while, I ended up crying like a child. Though I didn’t believe in a deity, at that moment, it felt as though the long-held resentment in my heart was being washed away.

From the next day, I changed my mindset. While my determination to take on dangerous missions remained untouched, I no longer sought to throw away my life because I now had a place to return to. By shedding my tendency to push people away, I began to earn recognition from those around me and achieved honor and promotion.

I hadn’t become a hero, but I’d become a decent soldier. Though my position wasn’t stable, after years of rolling around in the front lines, I had saved enough to buy a bit of land and livestock. Perhaps, there was a chance I could return to my hometown. My only wish would be for Charlotte to be by my side.

Charlotte, then, said:

“I’ve decided to follow the hero.”

Charlotte joined the hero’s party.

“…Let’s not meet again. Ion.”

She left those words behind and departed from my side.

The Demon King’s Army crossed the border. The war between humanity and the demon race began, and the Empire’s prince, selected by the Holy Sword, gathered comrades to defeat the Demon King.

The joining of a certain nun, revered as the ‘Saint of the Battlefield’ and excelling in healing arts, drew cheers and accolades from all the citizens of the Empire. Except for me.

What had gone wrong? Was it wrong to wish for stability? Was seeking happiness wrong for someone weak like me? Was it wrong to give my heart to someone? In the empty space left behind by Charlotte, I was left alone, endlessly blaming myself, filled with regret and anger.

If only I had been as strong as a hero, she wouldn’t have left me. Because I was weaker than the hero, I couldn’t stop Charlotte from leaving. My feeling of powerlessness ignited the embers in my heart once again.

I crossed into the territory of humanity lost to the Demon King’s Army, and into the lands of the demon race that humans had never stepped foot into. I stabbed, slashed, killed, and kept on killing every visible enemy.

I still didn’t know why. Even if I killed more monsters than the hero, staining my hands with blood, the fact that Charlotte had left my side wouldn’t change. And even if she looked back at me now, it wouldn’t alter anything. Within those unanswerable questions, I just kept on pushing myself.

I fought countless battles. I witnessed countless deaths. Most of them were bodies I had caused. I achieved accomplishments that were hardly believable for a mere soldier. Some called me a hero.

Years passed like that, the war came to an end, and then even more years flew by.

I no longer felt anything when I thought of Ella or Charlotte. The piercing pain in my heart, the sense of emptiness as if my soul had been hollowed out, and the burning rage within me had all faded away.

The embers in my heart had finally extinguished.

“…I guess I should retire.”

That was the very first thought that crossed my mind.

 

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