Everyday memories are funny like that. When you try to recall them, they just play hide-and-seek in your mind. Like, did I tap my transportation card correctly on the way to work? Did I transfer properly? Unless something weird happens, you end up just doing the same routine over and over without realizing it.
Chatting with friends is similar, too.
If you share a particularly wacky story or have a good laugh, that memory might stick around forever.
But those kinds of memories are always limited.
With school friends, unless it’s vacation time, you end up seeing each other every day, which means there’s bound to be regular, mundane conversations mixed in.
Repeated conversations slowly get buried under countless other memories and fade away.
And, regrettably for Sara—
The memory right in front of me was just like that.
I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it happened. Looking at the way she was dressed, it was one of those memories that could only be classified as ‘recent’ in Sara’s mind.
The Sara who was talking to me was a little and young version of herself, and we had this kind of conversation just a short while ago.
A new memory born from conversing in a space based on memories.
“Haah…”
Sara, who was lying on my lap, let out a deep sigh. She looked just like a child trying to mimic an adult’s sigh, and it was kind of adorable.
Even my past self must have thought so.
I gently stroked her hair as it rested on my knee, asking, “Why? Did something tough happen?”
My voice couldn’t help but carry a chuckle.
“Just… I want to keep sleeping like this.”
“Are you kidding? You’d be awake while still sleeping!”
“Still, I feel refreshed when I wake up.”
At my words, the little Sara from the past puffed up her cheeks.
Then suddenly turning her head to look up at me, she asked, “Do you not want me here?”
With a sigh, I replied, “…No, I like having you around too.”
“Really? For real?”
Was it because she was in a child’s body that her personality seemed more childish? Or was she just acting normal, but looking so innocent because of it?
Maybe it was simply that she felt safe enough to show her true self in front of me.
As if she desperately needed reassurance, Sara asked me repeatedly, “Really? For real.”
As I smiled and answered, she beamed back.
“Is it true? We promised? Together forever?”
Seeing her pure expression, I replied with a grin, “…Yeah.”
I probably tried hard to keep that promise.
Sara and I had this conversation so many times that I couldn’t remember exactly when it happened.
During that time, I thought that the reason Sara kept asking me these questions over and over was because she had a childhood filled with anxiety due to having a strict mother.
Of course, it made sense that she struggled to believe me given her situation.
But…
“…I can’t act at all.”
But that wasn’t the case.
Echoing my thoughts aloud, the smile I wore while looking at Sara felt incredibly fragile.
It didn’t look like I was about to burst into tears, but it was like I was desperately holding back, changing my expressions multiple times before finally giving Sara a forced smile.
“Yeah, that’s right. I never was very good at acting.”
I muttered bitterly, though no one was there to listen.
It wasn’t the surroundings that made Sara uneasy.
It was me.
Even as I answered her, I was essentially lying to her every single day, and I couldn’t conceal that lie properly.
So, naturally, Sara asked me daily.
Would I stay with her?
Would I be there forever?
Would I never leave her side?
And every time…
I couldn’t give Sara the reassurance she needed.
“…”
But still, for Sara, the “most precious memory” was those conversations with me.
Closing my eyes, I focused once more.
I still hadn’t found Sara. I needed to find her. There were still things I hadn’t told her.
*
Again and again.
Similar memories replay.
Little Sara shared countless disjointed stories with me. Tales from school. Ordinary talks about day-to-day life with friends. Moments when she haplessly got reprimanded by the lead committee or listened to stock talk she didn’t care about from Han Garam.
How clueless the teachers were that day, how some unfamiliar students greeted her but she just about remembered a few of their faces.
There were no dark stories.
As if trying to comfort me, Sara always shared her cheerful tales with laughter.
There was no hint of darkness in her smile.
And the conversations always ended in Sara’s pleas.
Please don’t leave me.
Please stay by my side.
Let’s be together forever.
And I always answered that I would.
With a sad smile on my face.
What a fool I was.
Sara kept talking to me, hoping I’d give her a decent reply. She wanted me to tell her honestly that I wanted to be with her, and she kept waiting.
But I couldn’t do that.
…I really blew it.
Even as I berated myself over and over, I continued to sift through Sara’s memories.
And then, finally, I entered a room.
Though calling it a ‘room’ might be misleading, it was virtually identical to the one I saw every day.
A room that was too big for one person. A space where Sara spent most of her lonely childhood.
…The very room where I met Sara every day.
In that room, there was Sara, huddled up in a corner, looking just like her present self.
Sara sitting on the bed, her face buried completely in her knees, making her expression unreadable.
“…”
Was this Sara from her memories?
Or did I find the real her?
My heart raced.
Silently, I approached that Sara.
As I neared, she didn’t speak, only hugged her knees tightly.
“Sara.”
“…”
No response.
Could it be that this wasn’t the Sara I was searching for? Maybe it was just the Sara from her memories?
No, that didn’t seem to fit.
The room’s layout matched the one I remembered most recently. It had two beds and a place for Sohee’s clothes. But there were no friends around.
If it was the recent Sara, friends would definitely be there.
So, this was the place made from Sara’s consciousness.
And the Sara sitting there was the ‘Sara’ I had been searching for.
I sat next to her.
The bed felt as plush as I remembered. Sitting next to Sara didn’t make her lean toward me or anything like that.
“…”
For a while, neither of us spoke.
I didn’t dare ask if she was okay. There was no way Sara could be fine. By the time I came to my senses, she had already been kidnapped by Choi Na-kyung.
So, it must have been terrifying. If I found it incredibly frightening from my perspective, it must have been absolutely horrifying for her.
Even though Sara stayed silent for quite some time, I stubbornly waited.
That was the only thing I could do for her right now.
“…I messed everything up.”
After a long silence, the first words that tumbled out of Sara were those.
“Messed up?”
I replied in the softest tone I could manage.
“I didn’t know what that woman really wanted. I judged and decided on my own, and ultimately, I was wrong. Everything turned out completely differently from what I expected.”
“…”
As I ponderously considered what to say to her, I cautiously opened my mouth.
“No, in the end, everything turned out fine.”
“…Really?”
Sara questioned back.
Her face lifted slightly. She turned her face toward me a bit, allowing me to catch a glimpse of her eyes peeking through the gap between her knees and her face. However, her expression remained obscured, so I still couldn’t discern what she was feeling.
“Really, everything ended safely?”
“…”
There was no way I could reply to that.
Because I hadn’t seen how it all concluded either.
The last thing I remembered was Yang Hye-in.
She had burst through the car window and held my hand, telling me everything would be okay.
Maybe other friends followed soon after.
So all I could do was guess that everything had turned out alright. Naturally, I could hardly respond if asked for details.
“…Sorry, but I don’t really know either.”
In the end, I could only speak in a voice mixed with sighs.
“…”
Sara’s face once again rested on her knees, and the glimmer of her eyes disappeared from view.
“Well, it probably ended well. Someone came to rescue me.”
Trying to comfort Sara somehow, I said that, but strangely enough, my words only seemed to make her mood sink further.
After hearing what I said, Sara hunched her shoulders and clung tighter to her knees.
“…I see.”
I could barely hear the whisper from her lips.
“…”
Now, how should I even approach the conversation?
