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I’m getting to know my older sister one step at a time.

It’s been five years since we last saw each other, and in that time, there were quite a few changes in her.

No, rather than changes, I should say there are new aspects to her.

I never thought my sister could be so passionate about coffee.

I knew she liked it. She had taken me to cafés a few times, so that was obvious.

But still, I never seriously thought about her dreams.

I knew what major she chose and what she was studying, but… strangely, I never asked her what she wanted to do.

To me, my sister has always been a few steps ahead.

Whenever I managed to catch up a few steps, she was already a few steps ahead. She didn’t seek advice from anyone, nor did she waver. She simply kept her eyes forward and walked on.

I just kept following her back steadily.

For me, she has always been an adult. Whether I was in elementary school, middle school, or high school.

Even when I reached her age, she was still an adult.

So, I never had any reason to offer her advice. She was always someone who figured things out for herself.

If she had a dream, she would obviously achieve it, and if she wanted something, she would surely go for it.

That’s how I thought.

But…

The sunlight streaming in through the window shines upon her.

The weather was already freezing. It was hard to even call it autumn.

Yet at the same time, the sun didn’t hide its face. The sunlight pouring down from the high sky, without a single cloud, was truly clear.

The clean sunlight entering the store illuminated her.

That scene was so beautiful that I found myself staring in a daze.

…Yes. She was still beautiful, still an adult.

However, it felt somehow different from what I felt in my childhood.

This bakery wasn’t a place my sister started because she wanted to. She took over the operation from the church, which had originally run it with the pastor’s help.

She never said she wanted to bake bread.

Yeah, I know.

Not everyone gets to live their dreams.

Some people find happiness in other places, and even those who achieve their dreams may find disillusionment and give up.

But… what I’m thinking about right now isn’t that.

What did my sister want to do back then? What kind of person did she want to be?

And now? What does she want to do, and what kind of person is she trying to become?

I started recalling facts I had never thought of while growing up.

We always went around together, did everything together, and shared everything, or so I thought.

Yet, there was so much we didn’t know about each other.

…But even so, I couldn’t just ask her.

“Hmm?”

Did she feel my gaze? My sister, who was reading a book, looked up at me.

It was the same warm and clear gaze as always.

“What’s up? Is something wrong?”

“No.”

I smiled back at her words.

“It’s just—I was looking over there.”

“What’s that about?”

Even while saying that, she just laughed.

And she looked out the window.

“The weather is nice.”

I turned my gaze outside, too.

“Yeah, it really is.”

Of course, it was cold outside. Well, with warm enough clothes, it was bearable.

But whatever the actual temperature, to us, looking outside from the warm shop, it just seemed clear.

We had been staring outside for a while.

…What do I want to do?

Before asking my sister, if I were to say what I wanted, well…

I didn’t really have anything I wanted. In fact, there wasn’t a specific dream I was itching to achieve.

I just wanted to be here like this with my sister.

In that sense, I could say I fulfilled a dream.

I wonder how my sister felt.

Looking back at my childhood, did she think the same way as I did?

If she did…

Could the current me get as close to her as I was back then?

*

I had talked a lot with Siyun, but I still felt a bit distant.

Siyun doesn’t share much about personal matters.

Well, that’s probably only natural. You can’t just spill your whole life story to a coworker.

But still, it would’ve been nice if they shared stories about childhood or friends.

Yet, even while feeling that way, I didn’t ask Siyun about the past.

…And the reason is very personal and selfish.

Since the last time Yoori said something, I had been seeing Siyun in a different light.

While I recognized that the two of them were completely different persons, I couldn’t help but see that kid in her.

I know it sounds absurd.

In truth, thinking they resemble each other might just be my perception.

But still, feelings aren’t something you can easily control, and somehow, I ended up thinking that way.

Thus, I was afraid of Siyun sharing her past.

That past would surely be different from the Siyun I knew, and the more I heard about it, the more she would change from who I knew.

“…What does that even mean…?”

I thought that, but it was truly nonsensical.

Above all, I feel sorry for Siyun. No, it was something I felt sorry for both Siyun and for myself.

“…”

Once a week, on my day off.

Lying alone in my room, staring at the ceiling, it was no wonder those thoughts kept coming to me.

“…Should I go out?”

Maybe if I went outside and walked around, it would lift my spirits a bit.

At least I wouldn’t think about Siyun quite as much.

“Alright, let’s go.”

I deliberately muttered it out loud as I got up.

*

Just walking aimlessly did help.

Of course, I couldn’t completely erase my thoughts.

The largest portion of my thoughts was understandably about Siyun.

Amidst that, especially feelings of remorse.

Ever since I heard what Yoori said, I had been making an effort.

I wanted to tell the Siyun who’s working with me now about the Siyun I knew, that I kept overlaying her with that girl.

But… it wasn’t easy.

Setting aside the fact that Siyun and I had never met before, we were both women.

Moreover, it was easy to assume that although Siyun didn’t share her past, it was by no means light.

I didn’t know exactly what that heavy past was.

“…Ah.”

While walking, I stopped in front of a shop.

It was a jewelry store. Keychains, necklaces, earrings, you name it.

…Now that I think about it, Siyun’s birthday was coming up soon.

Her birthday was on October 21st… wouldn’t it be nice to get her something?

Yeah, that would be good.

Nodding to myself, I entered the store.

Honestly, I didn’t know what Siyun liked. She never wore earrings or anything. Maybe she hadn’t even gotten them pierced?

If that were the case, perhaps a necklace would be a better choice.

Something simple and pretty, not too flashy or uncomfortable.

…To be honest, I was more or less fumbling about. I felt a little guilty buying something for her like this.

Still, I wanted to convey my feelings.

How much reassurance I felt knowing you’re here next to me. Whether or not we could stay in touch later, even if I left this place.

The reason being that she resembles my first love, I couldn’t say that yet.

Like this, slowly getting closer—

What I picked out was a simple silver necklace with almost no embellishments.

It would suit Siyun well. She usually dressed modestly and didn’t wear flashy outfits.

“…Huh?”

After buying it beautifully wrapped as a gift and stepping outside, feeling a bit lifted, I suddenly remembered.

“…Ah…”

And then I stood in the middle of the street with a blank expression.

I felt the eyes of passersby on me. And understandably so; when a person who was just walking suddenly stops with a vacant look, it raises questions.

But those stares quickly faded. The people who were initially looking at me were simply ones who were passing near me and got interrupted.

Years ago, after that incident, my face circulated online, and even acquaintances had called me…

But now, nobody remembered. Neither I nor the boy in the picture I held in my arms.

And that such a tragic event occurred.

But being one of the people involved, I still couldn’t forget.

I couldn’t forget the existence of Siyun—

I looked at the small shopping bag in my hand, which held the pretty wrapped gift inside.

Yes, it was clearly a gift for ‘Siyun.’

And that Siyun wasn’t born on October 21st.

Because, despite sharing a name, the day she was born was nearly a year apart from the Siyun I knew…

“…”

I stood there for a long time, blankly.

 

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