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Chapter 517: Just Let Me Hold It Once.

Not long after my return, I often found myself restless at night.

There were times I couldn’t sleep at all, staying up for several nights.

And there were times when staying awake felt so dangerous that I would make a bet just to pass out on purpose.

Without that, I couldn’t find rest.

Memories from my previous life would arise as dreams, making it impossible to drift off.

Those I had killed.

Those I couldn’t save.

Those who died for me.

Their faces haunted me throughout the night, leaving me unable to bear it.

I woke up drenched in cold sweat, enveloped in nightmares.

When I finally got up, I struggled to catch my breath for a while.

Then, when I could finally breathe again, I would bury my face in the blanket and scream repeatedly.

After all, I had an opportunity that seemed so wasted; I spent ages crying, blaming my still useless self.

How could I be happy just because I returned?

Nothing had changed.

With those memories so vividly clear, how could I breathe easily and live on?

I had changed nothing and accomplished nothing.

And I spent a long time like that.

Stuck in my previous life, I stumbled through life without knowing what to do.

What was I living for? It was hard to even say I was alive.

I merely passed the days, breathing.

Despite claiming to be a martial artist trying to reclaim my realm, I was empty inside because I lacked will.

Even if I used it to gather power, it was all meaningless as my insides were hollow.

What was I supposed to strive for?

What does this return even mean?

What significance could there be in that place? I searched high and low.

No, rather than search for meaning…

I simply hoped.

Hoping that there would be meaning.

Hoping that my return held some significance.

I wished deeply, but I couldn’t find any meaning in this return.

This world was just not that easy.

So I just lived with the flow of time.

I tried to do something here and there, but I didn’t really get fired up about it.

There had been times I dreamed.

When I was a child filled with the desire to be called a genius of the era and to stand shoulder to shoulder with them.

There were moments I was madly obsessed with that, but ultimately, I did not.

If I wanted to, I could have done more.

The reason I didn’t go out of my way to do so was probably that I didn’t want to stand out.

I didn’t want to see their faces.

I didn’t want to be so bold as to stand next to them.

I found surprising layers of conscience in me.

At least until then.

Having returned, I had no intentions of stopping the blood calamity.

I just planned to live moderately. Or.

To hide away in some remote place to avoid danger.

At first, that was how I wanted to live.

Just to live unremarkably, out of sight.

That was certainly the intention.

But when did it all change?

I’ve thought of that often.

When did it begin to transform?

Perhaps it was when I met Wi Seol-Ah in Shan Mountain right after I returned.

Or maybe it was when I met Nangong Bi-ah on my way to Sichuan.

Those were all significant moments.

But I knew.

The point at which I truly began to dream about beliefs was undoubtedly when I first met Tang Soyeol.

There was no particularly special reason.

At first, it was simply a seed.

When I looked into Tang Soyeol’s clear eyes.

And when Nangong Bi-ah stood beside her and Wi Seol-Ah stood next to me.

I felt a distinct atmosphere and scene that was so different from my past life.

Afterward, when I took down Nangong Cheonjun, I thought maybe I could change myself.

That thought began to gradually warm up.

Things continued to change from then on.

When I met Shin Noya on the road to Hwasan.

Afterward, seeing Shin Yi and Jiegal Hyeok, I started to think that maybe I could change the things I had known through my own efforts.

That was the hope I harbored.

Hope became a spark.

As if a martial artist wouldn’t use fire techniques, the flame I held in my heart grew larger.

Desires that may not have been obvious began to show themselves.

That was the reason I had revealed my strength in the Martial Arts Tournament.

It had all started with a plan to take everything Tang Soyeol could gain.

But now that I think about it, that wasn’t the only thing.

It was literally yearning.

The hidden desire I had wished for.

The delusion of wanting others to perceive me as a great genius.

Was there truly no longing for that?

No.

I must have had some desire like that.

To crush Tang Soyeol and take everything she could gain.

Within the name of future planning, I’m sure there were other desires as well.

That’s why I unleashed my power so freely.

The more honest I became with my feelings, the more the situation kept changing.

Encountering blood demons made me realize that something existed in this world.

And meeting Yeon Ilcheon further revealed that there were even greater secrets.

As I learned about the secrets I had been oblivious to, my heart changed, and my relationships with those around me progressed.

It wasn’t, “Let’s just live carelessly to avoid the blood calamity.”

No.

The reason I ended up resolving to put an end to the blood calamity, by facing either the Heavenly Demon or Blood Demon, was ultimately due to my recollection of my past life and the realization that this life was different from that one.

Thus, I concluded that the cause was my meeting with Tang Soyeol in Sichuan.

Compared to Nangong Bi-ah or Wi Seol-Ah, she was different.

It was because the range of emotions I held was less than that for those two.

This allowed me to think rationally.

As time passed, I gradually became able to sleep.

Perhaps it was because I had set goals that I became engrossed in training.

Thus, I could also endure the rough training methods.

Even now, I still dream of my previous life.

But every now and then, I manage to have a dream that feels like a genuine dream.

That dream is akin to a fantasy of a distant future.

The world transformed peacefully afterward.

I was able to entertain fantasies I had never even imagined before.

The emptiness I felt upon waking remained, but I still felt fine.

At least, I had built a foundation strong enough to endure.

‘Now, I have to take care of those around me as well.’

I can’t just get stronger alone.

If possible, I wanted to bear the karma entirely by myself, but I knew that even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t be feasible.

I don’t want to reach out.

One burden of pain is enough.

But I know I’m not that capable.

Thus, I needed to consider those around me…

In that regard, Tang Soyeol was quite a difficult aspect for me.

‘Complicated.’

About the martial talent, it’s true, but more importantly…

‘How do I perceive Tang Soyeol?’

The real question is how I view Tang Soyeol, in what manner, and with what meaning.

As I mentioned before.

Unlike Wi Seol-Ah or Nangong Bi-ah, the fact that I could think rationally while looking at her means that my feelings for Tang Soyeol weren’t all that grand.

At least, that was the case initially.

She was simply someone I had killed with my own hands.

The gritty guilt arising from that was the real issue in our relationship.

‘But what of now?’

What is it like now?

I ponder, yet I still find it unclear.

I am not oblivious to the affection she holds for me.

I have no notion of how it came to this.

But undoubtedly, it is true.

In contrast, could I dare to call this affection?

I couldn’t be certain.

The feeling I get from looking at Nangong Bi-ah and Wi Seol-Ah is vastly different from that of looking at Tang Soyeol.

‘Even so.’

It didn’t mean that Tang Soyeol took up a minor position in my heart.

Even when Tang Deok threatened Tang Soyeol, I felt a certain notion that she might get involved in the incidents within the Tang Clan as I received that information.

When I heard that, I unconsciously bared my killing intent, meaning that I regarded Tang Soyeol as important in my way.

I merely couldn’t affirm the nuance of my heart.

To coldly speak, unlike with Nangong Bi-ah or Wi Seol-Ah, I couldn’t commit to die for Tang Soyeol.

That’s about the understanding I had.

However.

‘The fact that I’m concerned for her is inevitable.’

Given her substantial position in my heart, I couldn’t help but be concerned about her.

She occupied a rather ambiguous position.

Her martial talent wasn’t particularly exceptional, and her other talents were not that outstanding either.

Yet, I recalled her rising to the position of Poison Empress in my previous life and felt certain that there had to be something.

‘What if it’s related to this incident?’

The birth plan of the Heavenly Martial Body.

Since the moment I heard that Tang Soyeol was linked to that incident, I started trying to remember her whereabouts in my past life.

How did she rise to become the Poison Empress? I wanted to learn about that.

‘…’

But no matter how much I recalled, I couldn’t find out.

This was proof of how little interest I had in her.

That frustrated me for some reason.

“What do you mean by that?”

Don’t you want to get strong?

When Tang Soyeol voiced her confusion, she looked up at me with a puzzled expression.

Seeing that, I suddenly thought.

‘Was she always this small?’

Considering the nature of the Tang Clan, which had lived for centuries as ambush assassins, most direct descendants tended to be smaller in stature.

Even the Poison King was only slightly taller than I was before my transformation.

As for Tang Soyeol, being a woman, she likely had an average height even lower.

For some reason, that feeling suddenly hit me clear as day.

‘… Perhaps the reason is…’

It must be due to Tang Soyeol’s eyes.

Since when had it been?

Whenever I looked into Tang Soyeol’s eyes, I instinctively understood.

That she was gradually becoming stained with insecurity.

How could I not realize it?

It was an emotion I was painfully familiar with from my previous life.

There was no way I could misunderstand it.

The cause was probably.

‘Due to those around her.’

Due to the talented late-stage prodigies who had inadvertently gathered around her, all were geniuses and monsters alike.

In that environment, sensing an insurmountable wall must have been natural.

Geniuses touch the sky.

And ordinary talents find themselves at the bottom no matter how they try to struggle.

When I realized they had wings I lacked, it was only natural that I would crumple and fall to the ground.

At least that was true for me.

Feeling that disparity, I had sat on the ground and screamed.

I understood Tang Soyeol’s emotions more than anyone.

And thus, even more.

‘I don’t want.’

I didn’t want to see Tang Soyeol break.

There’s nothing more devastating and ugly than collapsing due to insecurity.

I knew it because I had experienced it.

I didn’t want to see her in such a state.

So.

‘… It’s incredibly cowardly, but…’

I felt the sensation of my clenched fist.

The jarring feeling.

As I tightened my fist, I bit my lip slightly.

‘… It’s a disgusting feeling.’

I knew it wasn’t the texture that bothered me; it was because I felt discord within my heart.

‘Is this truly the right approach?’

Why am I even asking?

I knew it wasn’t right.

Yet, I was still trying to do it.

‘Damn it.’

What I held in my hand was a gem snatched from the Elder of the Tang Clan.

Though it was called a gem, in reality, it was no different from a concoction containing concentrated energy.

From the White Horse Stone onwards, I had seen countless concoctions, and even I was astounded.

‘This is on a whole new level.’

A masterpiece created by the Tang Clan through nearly a hundred years of effort.

Just absorbing it could change one’s physical body and magnify the poison they possess.

It was truly an incredible concoction; however, the conditions for consuming it were a problem.

‘First, they said it had to be a woman.’

The first requirement was that it must be a woman.

If a man were to attempt it, their body wouldn’t handle it, and they would explode from the unleashed energy.

The second…

‘She must not have reached adulthood yet.’

For most martial artists, the age of adulthood overlaps with the beginning of their prime.

In other words, it meant she must be a late-stage prodigy.

Furthermore.

‘She must have a vessel capable of enduring this level of poison.’

Just looking at the quality of this energy, it was outrageous.

Even the most poison-resistant person wouldn’t be able to handle this level of toxicity.

It was impossible with an ordinary body. Gathering all these conditions implied that ultimately, those who had cultivated their resistance to poison since childhood in the Tang Clan were meant to consume it.

And if it’s a late-stage prodigy of the Tang Clan who is both female and hasn’t reached adulthood yet…

‘… It’s only Tang Soyeol.’

That only leads to a realization of how Elder Tang planned to have her consume this.

There was a somewhat unsettling aspect.

‘It’s not just that she perfectly fits the criteria. It feels as if it was specifically designed for her.’

The criteria fit a bit too perfectly.

That bothered me.

‘But regardless.’

I planned to have Tang Soyeol consume it.

[… Hmm….]

Thoughts like these made Shin Noya let out a breath as if uncomfortable.

That sound alone rubbed against my ears.

There’s no helping it.

As a hero, it’s only natural that Shin Noya wouldn’t approve of such methods.

But.

‘… Yet you’re not stopping me.’

Noya didn’t try to dissuade me.

Though she expressed discomfort repeatedly, she never once told me not to do it or offered any objection.

Oddly enough, that only made me more concerned.

Hmph.

Shin Noya scoffed.

[Did you think I would stop you just because you told me to?]

‘Even though you know that, you’ve consistently tried to dissuade me.’

[That’s true, but it’s pointless.]

Noya let out a dry laugh for a moment before continuing.

[It wouldn’t matter even if you were to stop, given that you intend to do this either way.]

‘… So you mean to say that my action concerning this doesn’t concern you?’

It’s a culmination of countless lives.

Had it only been a demon beast, I wouldn’t have cared so much, but given the lives lost in processing this, it was beyond what I could imagine.

Just the bodies I had discovered numbered in the dozens.

Given the passage of time, it’s safe to assume the actual number of deceased was far greater.

Having made a concoction of that magnitude, Noya would let it be used so casually.

I couldn’t understand that from Noya’s perspective.

As a result, the Tang Clan would waver significantly in the future.

Given the Poison King’s movements, it didn’t seem he was planning to keep this under wraps either.

Though it was a bit poor of the Poison King to suffer due to the mess created by the ancestors and the current elders…

Right now, that was not my concern.

‘In my current state, I can do it.’

This gem, permeated with immense energy.

If successful, I would possess a remarkable physique and considerable toxicity.

Yet, given Tang Soyeol’s current state, should I feed her this rashly, the repercussions might lead to her body breaking down due to uncontrolled energies.

But, I could easily control it.

The Heavenly Martial Body’s right physique.

Even if toxicity threatened to burst forth, I could absorb and regulate it.

Thus, this means that I am the only one capable of safely ensuring that Tang Soyeol benefit from this.

While I was contemplating this.

[Naturally, that tells me you’re still a rookie.]

Noya’s sharp comment cut through my thoughts.

‘… So what’s the real problem then?’

[Tsk tsk… Enough. Finish the conversation you were having with the child from the Tang Clan.]

Annoyance bubbled up from Noya’s words, yet, as she suggested, I decided to finish my conversation with Tang Soyeol.

After all, she seemed to be waiting for me to continue.

“You mean it literally… don’t you want to get strong?”

“Huh?”

“I think I might be able to make you strong.”

“You, Prince…?”

“Yep.”

The moment I asked Tang Soyeol if she wanted to get stronger, she tilted her head in confusion.

Suddenly asking her if she wanted strength indeed made it reasonable to respond in surprise.

‘Just one word.’

Just one word will suffice.

If she says she wants to be strong, that’s all I need.

With that simple word, I would take on the karma of this ugly gem in place of Tang Soyeol.

I was ready to do at least that much.

As I waited for her response, a brief moment passed before Tang Soyeol slowly opened her mouth.

“Um… if so, will I be getting strong…?”

“Probably. You’ll become very strong.”

I don’t know how effective it would be.

But if she were to become a Poison Empress from consuming the effects of this concoction, she’d definitely become incredibly powerful.

Or at least, she’d be granted the possibility of getting stronger.

“Is Prince offering to help me with this?”

“Yep.”

Upon hearing my words, Tang Soyeol seemed to contemplate for a moment.

“Well then….”

With a bright smile, she said to me.

“I’d rather not.”

“Okay, then I’ll just… huh?”

As I naturally brought out the gem, I stopped dead at Tang Soyeol’s words.

… Not do it? Did she just say that she wouldn’t do it?

“I’m not doing it?”

“Yep. I don’t want to.”

“…Why? If you’re worried, I’ll make sure it’s not dangerous for you…”

“Prince.”

As I pondered if she didn’t trust me, I attempted to persuade her, yet.

Tight.

Tang Soyeol grabbed my arm tightly with her small hand.

The grip felt strangely strong.

“If I accept this, that means Prince will have to sacrifice for me, right? You won’t be the kind of person to take such risks for me.”

“Then why…?”

“Can I ask one thing?”

“… Uh, sure.”

“If I agree to this, you will get hurt, right?”

“…!”

I swallowed hard at Tang Soyeol’s words.

I hesitated for a moment but was quick to reject it.

“That’s not how it is. I’m just helping a little, you know?”

“But why do your eyes look so sad?”

“…”

Without realizing it, I touched my eyes with my hand.

What kind of expression must I have for Tang Soyeol to say such things?

Was my reaction the issue?

Tang Soyeol carefully brushed her fingers around my eyes.

I couldn’t bring myself to stop her gentle touch.

After a brief moment, she pulled back with a slight smile, saying.

“I’m sorry.”

“… What…?”

“I must have shown an embarrassing side lately, which made you worry about me, right…?”

“…”

Her words struck straight to my heart. I swallowed hard at Tang Soyeol’s statement.

It made me lose the moment to deny it.

“… That’s embarrassing. I didn’t want you to find out, even if others did.”

Seemingly aware that she felt insecure, she still managed to smile.

How could she smile like that?

I couldn’t.

As I looked at her with trembling eyes, she continued speaking.

“Indeed…. Compared to others, I feel like I’m not very helpful to Prince. That saddened me a bit.”

“Such thoughts are unnecessary…”

“Even if you say it’s fine, I still think that way. I don’t want to be someone who’s just uselessly around. Because then, I wouldn’t be able to stay by your side.”

“…”

“That’s why I wanted to get stronger. I want to become strong enough so I can stay beside you.”

“If that’s the case… then you could just…”

Can’t you just use my power? Just as I was about to say that.

“But you know, Prince. Even if I want to be strong…,”

Tang Soyeol softly moved her hand from my eyes to my cheek.

“Power gained at the cost of your pain isn’t something I need.”

“…!”

“I don’t want to be strong if it means making you suffer. I believe I can endure. Instead, that way I wouldn’t feel ashamed to be beside you.”

“…”

“I’m sorry. You came to see me, worried, but… Hehe… I’m okay.”

Seeing Tang Soyeol smile shyly, I found myself utterly speechless.

It felt as though I had been struck in the head with a hammer.

When did things go wrong?

‘Was it from the start.’

It must have been so.

Why did I think?

That Tang Soyeol would also think like me and crumble under insecurity just like I did.

That premise was flawed.

She was not someone weak like me.

Tang Soyeol was someone who thought of overcoming her struggles, even if the present was tough.

‘Ah.’

Something wavers.

I looked back at Tang Soyeol.

The small Tang Soyeol I had perceived earlier now seemed surprisingly larger for some reason.

[Didn’t I tell you? You’re still a newbie, after all.]

Noya, who spoke with a smirk, slightly raised her tone.

I had only seen her as small.

It was because I had perceived her that way.

Initially, because I vowed that she could not surpass.

She appeared tiny and weak, yet now, she looks much more powerful and radiant.

‘That’s it.’

Suddenly, it clicked.

Once upon a time, when Sichuan was besieged.

There was a woman who stood strong by herself, defending against demons while evacuating the Tang Clan.

Even while death was around the corner.

Knowing that she could not hold on.

Though her eyes were swollen and her appearance was a mess.

She bravely held that position.

“Haha…”

As I remembered her figure, I couldn’t help but laugh.

I had always thought that she had such strength because she had the title of Poison Empress.

But that assumption was false.

‘It wasn’t because she was the Poison Empress.’

It was simply because she was Tang Soyeol.

She was that sort of person from the very beginning.

A sense of clarity brushed over me.

When I cleared the fog and looked back at Tang Soyeol.

I felt a surge of certainty.

“Ah…! I-I’m not rejecting your offer out of not needing you, okay…!”

The refreshing anxiety I felt earlier was nowhere to be found. Tang Soyeol now stared at me with her face flushed.

Looking at her, I said.

“You know.”

“Yes, yes…?”

“I think now I could die for you.”

“… W-What…?”

My inner thoughts, which had surfaced, slipped from my lips.

“C-Could it be??”

Upon hearing my words, Tang Soyeol fainted.

 

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