The hallway was quieter than expected.
Of course, there were no students. During class time, the staff had no reason to be wandering around, so it wasn’t like I ran into anyone in the hallway.
But that doesn’t mean the school’s class time was silent.
At the top of the food chain within the school was always the school’s students. The ones who paid to attend.
And their positions changed according to how much money they had.
…And even the positions decided by that money could change due to the money coming in from outside the school.
Money.
Everything is about money.
Not only school life but my whole life was ruined because of money.
People often express money as a hefty stack of bills, but those who truly have a lot of money have no reason to see such stacks directly. For them, money consists of account numbers and the figures written in stock and real estate offices.
With just a flick of a finger, billions can change hands, a company’s existence can hang by a thread, and a person’s life can be ruined.
Now, the concept of ‘money,’ which is no longer clearly defined, truly does not sit well with me.
If it weren’t for money…
Well, if it weren’t for money, I wouldn’t have met my mother.
“……”
It didn’t take long to reach the staff room.
Or maybe that was just how I felt.
Standing in front of the door, I took a big breath and exhaled heavily.
The pounding of my heart didn’t settle easily.
The fact that my mother was on the other side of this door made me feel both scared and nostalgic. Excited and repulsed.
Well, they say people can’t distinguish emotions based on the feeling of their hearts racing.
The heart just beats physically, so overlaying emotions is merely a human’s responsibility, or so I think I’ve heard.
Is it because of that, that there are so many different kinds of feelings I experience every time I see my mother?
“……”
I want to call that person.
I wanted to ask for help from the one I had hidden deep in my heart.
If that person had a different body than mine, they might have brought me here.
No, if that person had a different body, I probably wouldn’t even think of them as my other half.
Looking at these conflicting thoughts swirling in my mind shows just how complicated human emotions are.
“Phew.”
Finally, for the last time, I took a deep breath and placed my hand on the staff room doorknob.
Click.
As I applied force, the doorknob turned with a heavy thud.
The door opened smoothly.
Since this was a staff room, I couldn’t see my mother’s face right away.
In the spacious staff room, there wasn’t a single teacher present. Even though there must be people who aren’t in class. Perhaps my mother had given them ‘compensation at a level they could understand.’
No, she must have definitely done that. Considering the ecology of this school, there’s no better way to get things done than money.
I glanced around at the oddly charged atmosphere of the staff room, reminiscent of an office where people had just vanished in an instant.
But no one was there.
“……”
Then I noticed a closed door at the far end of the staff room.
It bore the sign ‘Teacher’s Lounge.’
That was the only place I could go further inside the staff room.
With all the tension I had built up until now, it fizzled out.
Having relaxed once, regaining that tension wasn’t easy.
…Well, there’s no need to be nervous anyway.
Not being tense is actually better.
Perhaps feeling at ease like this would make it easier for me to express my thoughts to my mother.
I walked toward the teacher’s lounge and, without hesitation, opened the door.
A fragrance of an unknown flower lingered.
It was probably because she had put on perfume. My mother always did that when she was going to meet me.
“Sara.”
My mother was sitting facing the door. Judging by the way she made eye contact as soon as I opened the door, it seemed she had been waiting for me while quietly staring at the door.
My heart races.
But it doesn’t race to the point of fainting.
“Mother.”
At my response, my mother’s face slightly stiffened. Maybe it was because I hadn’t rushed over to hug her like always?
Even I was surprised by my reaction. Just yesterday, I had been intentionally avoiding my mother, fearing that I might lose my composure again upon seeing her.
…Ah, I see.
Until last year, I only knew ‘mother.’
At first, it was imposed upon me, and as time went by, I began to distance myself from others, leaving my mother as the only person I could converse with.
The one who made my life feel like a life was only my mother.
…But not anymore.
There were now many people around me who cared about me.
Not those who saw me as a mere possession or someone who came for my background or money, but those who genuinely saw me for who I am.
Even if it didn’t start from ‘me,’ in the end, they acknowledged me as a friend, a precious person.
So, my life was already meaningful.
Even without my mother.
Even with my mother who ruined my life, she didn’t have to be a part of it.
Perhaps that’s why I could bear the racing emotions now.
I walked over silently and sat across from my mother.
Her deep blue eyes gazed intently at me. It looked like she was assessing something.
“It’s been a while.”
She said that as if she were meeting an old friend.
…It has always been ‘a while.’
Meeting my mother only four times a year, for less than 30 minutes each time, meant she was always someone I met ‘after a long time.’
But I didn’t bother to say that.
“Yes, it has.”
“……”
After looking at me for a while, my mother slowly moved her hand.
She pushed one of the tea cups in front of her toward me. The cup held black tea.
It seemed my mother had brewed it herself.
I took the cup in hand.
Watching her take a sip from her cup made me do the same.
…Perhaps the tea was brewed too strong; it was a bit bitterer than what I usually drank.
“May I ask why you came to school?”
“Well…”
My mother opened her mouth but then paused for a moment. She frowned slightly.
“…Because my daughter disappeared from home, so as a mother, I had to come find her.”
She probably felt strange even saying that.
“Usually, you don’t even care, right?”
“That can’t be true.”
The words came out immediately.
“Really? I didn’t know.”
“……Why is my daughter acting like this all of a sudden?”
“Suddenly…?”
‘Suddenly.’
Well, my mother could think that way. Just a short while ago, I used to rush to her and rub my face against her, like a dog meeting its owner after a long time.
No, I may not have just acted like a dog.
Perhaps I’ve been treated like that by my mother.
I carefully placed the tea cup on the table.
“It’s not sudden. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. If my current mother is truly ‘mom’ to me.”
“But—”
“I mean, you haven’t shown interest until now.”
I stated it again for emphasis.
My mother gulped.
She appeared flustered.
Perhaps it’s the first time I’ve fought back like this in her life.
During elementary school, the only one accepting my rebellions was the caregiver. My mother began to come back only when I was about to give everything up.
“Seeing you just four times a year, how could you know what I’m thinking?”
My heart raced.
It pounded like it might explode.
But in contrast, my mind strangely felt calm.
This was something I had never been able to say in front of my mother before, but once I started to speak out, words just kept pouring out.
“How could you know what I’m thinking and how I’ve changed? You can only think that I suddenly changed.”
What I thought in January is naturally different from what I think in April.
If she were truly a ‘mother,’ she would have slowly realized how I fell apart, but this person is not that.
Fifteen minutes is far too short a time for people to exchange feelings adequately.
“…Daughter.”
“Do you really think of me as your daughter?”
Finally, I could voice the worry I had held inside for so long.
“Isn’t it all just because of the money? Just because of the background I have…”
However, I found myself stopping midway through my words.
My mother’s face as she looked at me was strange.
I had expected her to show her ‘true colors,’ but her face was one of deep hurt with every word that came from me.
She didn’t even try to hide the tears flowing down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.”
“…Huh?”
“I’m really sorry… my dear.”
She said that while shedding tears.
My heart kept pounding.
To the point of pain.
“Huh?”
My vision blurred.
Ah, this isn’t good.
“Daughter, from now on, I’ll make up for everything. I’m sorry.”
I could see my mother rising.
No, I can’t.
Not now.
I tried to lift my body, but—
Halfway up, my body crumpled back onto the sofa.
“Ugh… eh…?”
I had no strength in my arms.
No, it wasn’t just my arms.
There was no strength in my legs, my back, nor my stomach.
I was struggling to breathe.
“What’s happening right now…?”
“It’s okay. Everything will be fine now. There’s no need to be anxious.”
Before I knew it, my mother had sat down beside me on the sofa.
Through the dulled senses, I vaguely felt her touch.
Her legs came around to the side of my head.
I found myself lying sideways, resting my head on her leg.
I can’t resist.
No, it’s not because of emotion.
It’s something more direct…
…
Ah.
The black tea I drank earlier.
It was more bitter than what I usually drank…
“It’s okay. I’ll make up for everything. Mother…”
Her breath and voice touched my left ear.
“Mother didn’t care about money since the beginning.”
That was the last thing I heard.
